A first look at Vladimir Putin's exciting new column in the Daily Express

GREETINGS like-minded English people. Are you an old, angry white man wanting to talk freely out of your arse without fear of contradiction? Then this is the column for you.

Here are some exclusive snippets of what will I will be discussing over the coming weeks.

On women

Battleaxes. Dominant. Impossible to live with. It’s just as well that they’re second-class citizens. See what happens when you give them a bit of power? Your Liz Truss! No woman has led Russia, except the crying woman Gorbachev. I like Margaret Thatcher though. Genuinely terrifying.

On the LGBTQ+ community

In Russia there are no lesbians, gays, bisexuals or transgender people. Never have been and never will be. We are all MEN, except for the women. And they are tougher than your weak, snivelling males. You listen to too much ABBA. Dancing Queen is the root of all your decadent Western problems.

On protestors

At every mass demonstration, whatever their banners say, what they are really shouting is ‘I need a haircut!’ Round them up like dogs. Shear them like sheep. I know Express readers agree with this. In fact, I think you crazy old bastards would press for harsher punishment even than me.

On Boris Johnson

It was a terrible thing that he was stabbed in the back. He was a true champion of Express readers and, if you know what I mean, a true friend to me. One of us. He will be back, of that I have no doubt. There must be some way I – sorry, I mean, you – can help him make Britain great again.

On the EU

I despise it. A threat to our sovereignty. No man can call himself a man if he is ordered about by Belgians, Like you, I did everything I could to help Britain leave it. But unlike you I don’t have to suffer the consequences but instead laugh heartily from Kremlin. Ha.

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What I imagine North London is like, by a Yorkshireman who has never been

POLITICIANS are forever accusing each other of being from North London, and it seems to be a terrible slur. Here’s how I imagine it based on what they say.

Every resident is part of the metropolitan elite

After watching PMQs for several years, I have learned that anyone who lives north of the Thames is a fancy metropolitan champagne socialist elitist who has no idea about the plight of the working man. There is zero poverty whatsoever, and every family is issued an Aga and a set of Le Creuset pans when they move in.

They still vote for Tony Blair

New Labour killed the Labour Party for ordinary people like me, but Tony Blair is worshipped like a god in North London. Due to the fact that the liberal elite are still secretly running the country, despite 12 years of Tory government, anyone living within a mile of Holloway Road can tick a box for Blair on their ballot paper and he’ll come round and personally cook them a tofu dinner.

Islington is built on top of a metrosexual hellmouth

Boris Johnson often warned of the insidious dangers of Islington, which is built on top of the mouth of hell and populated with men who do girly things like check their reflections in the mirror. Yes, I know Boris had a £3.5m house there himself, but that was purely for research purposes. He’s certainly not a massive hypocrite.

The taxis only go to the BBC

No one in North London owns a car or takes the bus because the only form of transport available is expensive taxis, which they can afford with all their filthy money. However, as Liz Truss pointed out, these taxis only go to the BBC, where the occupants appear on Newsnight trying to force ordinary blokes like me to change sex.

Anyone who doesn’t live there is poor

Anyone who lives anywhere else in the whole country is much less wealthy that the North London elite. Even Rishi Sunak, who lives in a mansion in West London and is a millionaire. Seems a bit odd, but if Tory politicians are saying it, then it must be true.