How stewed should your tea be? Find out your professional Northerner rating

FANCY being a professional Northerner to get attention and respect? There’s a strict Northern code of conduct you must adhere to. See if you can pass our test.

A biscuit falls on the floor. What rule do you apply before picking it up?

A) The 10 second rule.

B) The ‘throw it straight in the food recycling’ rule. 

C) The 10 hour rule, especially if it’s a fancy biscuit like a Bourbon. They’re reet posh, so don’t let them go to waste, even if they’ve been under the settee for a year and the dog’s had a lick.

You’ve put your teabag in the mug. How long do you let it stew?

A) Two or three minutes, to stop the water becoming lukewarm.

B) No teabag, just hot water and a suspicion of lemon juice, thank you. 

C) The word’s not ‘stew’ it’s ‘mash’, and you leave it in for 15 minutes minimum. Your cuppa should look like creosote and taste like it too.

You’re in a posh restaurant – which is any restaurant to a Northerner – and you’ve ordered steak. Do you ask for ketchup?

A) No, it’s a bit overpowering with steak.

B) No, I think it would be a dreadful faux pas and an insult to the chef.

C) Yes, bloody loudly so they can hear you back in the kitchen. You should then put so much on the poor steak needs rescuing by the RNLI.

You’ve ordered a pint somewhere in the South. The head is rubbish. What do you do?

A) Just drink it. Tastes mostly the same. 

B) I prefer white wine, actually,

C) Melodramatically inform the barmaid ‘There’d be a riot up North if you served that!’ although frankly most people have got better things to do.

You’re wondering what to have for tea. This means what, exactly?

A) Well, that could mean teatime, so perhaps a scone or a light snack to see you through till dinner.

B) Lapsang Souchong or maybe camomile if you’re watching your caffeine intake.

C) Tea is a large, stodgy meal taken at 5.30, consisting of meat and chips with unappealing lumps of three-inch-thick bread. Anything vegetarian should be seen as an accompaniment to proper food, eg. ‘bangers’, fish fingers or baked beans.

How did you score?

Mostly As: You’re worryingly Southern. Practise being more Northern – for example, complain that normal things like avocados are too exotic for your working class palate.

Mostly Bs: You can fook off. Note the correct Northern spelling.

Mostly Cs: Well done lad, or possibly lass. You’re a real professional Northerner. Andy Capp is your role model and you probably own a whippet, although actual Northerners prefer something more appropriate than a racing dog, like a labrador.

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What I spent that two million quid on, by Tommy Robinson

BOLLOCKS. I seem to have £2 million in unpaid debts and now people are hassling me for their money. Here are some things I probably shouldn’t have blown the cash on.


You might have noticed I always have an army-style short back and sides, obsessively razored as if I’ve got some sort of hair OCD, and that means constant trips to the hairdresser. If it I let it grow even slightly I might look like a poof, not a decent, salt-of-the-earth football thug.

Losing libel cases

Apparently you can’t accuse schoolboys of attacking ‘young English girls’ with no evidence whatsoever. And you only have to deliberately go to a trial, make a f**king nuisance of yourself filming stuff on your phone, call the defendants ‘Muslim child rapists’ while the case is still going on, and they’ll do you for ‘contempt of court’. Unbelievable. 


Running a tanning salon is a pain in the arse. You’ve got loads of overheads and you have to wipe all the yukky dead skin and tanning lotion off the sunbeds every day. Intellectuals like me – I’ve written a book, Why Muslims Kill for Islam, it’s a cracking holiday read – are too brainy for boring jobs involving actual work.

Changing my name

Yes, Stephen Yaxley-Lennon is a wanker’s name, but on reflection I could have saved a few quid and just called myself ‘Steve Lennon’. It’s still got that Beatles association though and I f**king hate Yoko. She’s a… not-very-good artist. 

Train fares to intimidate opponents 

A return ticket to a legitimate journalist’s home to intimidate them is daylight bloody robbery these days. Don’t forget you’ll want a sandwich too. Come on, Boris, put a cap on rail prices and let’s make threatening Muslim-loving paedo scum an affordable day out for all the family again.

A massive house

My house cost an eye-watering £900,000. Luckily I received lots of donations from supporters, although none of them specifically mentioned me getting a hot tub. Let’s hope they don’t find out about me poncing around in an exclusive tennis club during my luxury vacations in Spain, because some of them look pretty hard.