How to appear slightly younger than you are

ARE you sad about being quite old? Here are some ways to look younger that might just convince people to knock a few years off your age. 

Be in a band

Being in a band is quite cool, even if you’re 45 and playing ‘Enter Sandman’ as if you’re headlining Reading, when in fact your actual venue is a tiny local festival full of knackered parents and their small children who are only there for the face-painting.

Take drugs but with masses of hassle getting them

Buying drugs was easy when all your friends were into E. Now find it incredibly hard to score because your best druggie mate only has a spliff as a Christmas treat and just wants to talk about finding a good local primary school.

Wear trainers

Now the dominant footwear of the entire globe, trainers are still a bit cooler than traditional leather shoes. However your coolness may be undermined when you visit your elderly parents and discover them both wearing the latest Nike Air Max because they’re ‘just so comfy when you’re doing the gardening’.

Expensive hairdressing

With more cash, you can get a far better haircut than when you were 20. Unfortunately your dated tastes will mean you come out looking like Jennifer Aniston or Paul Weller. Alternatively go for a trendy hipster hairstyle and, if male, a beard. That should fool some people from a distance.

Be into gaming 

Computer games are more sophisticated than ever before – a new, developing art form, even. Sadly you’ll still look like an adolescent loser when you try to explain the satisfaction of strategically deploying your carefully crafted space marine platoon in the Arachnoid base.

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'I cannot stand that pr*ck a minute longer' says Tom Watson

TOM Watson has quit as deputy Labour leader because he cannot stand that self-satisfied pr*ck Corbyn for another minute, he has confirmed. 

The MP admitted the beginning of an election campaign was a terrible time to quit, but from the perspective of the boiling, festering rage and hatred inside him it was perfect. 

He said: “You don’t know what he’s like. You’ve not met the bristly old f**ker. But trust me, it was go before I snapped. 

“I share an office with him. He’ll spend all morning not saying a single word, just humming tunelessly while reading the Morning Star, occasionally muttering, ‘It’s capitalism itself that’s the problem. It’s got to go.’ 

“I’ll try to make conversation like ‘See anything good on TV last night?’ but he just tilts his head and says ‘You’ve never really been on board since you missed that Free Cuba meeting in 1983, have you Tom?’ 

“You can’t do anything right. Get a sandwich from Pret and he gives you a two-hour lecture about how we should all make our own sandwiches with seasonal vegetables from our allotment. Then he tries to put it in the manifesto.”

He added: “Coalition government? He thinks governing with the rest of Labour is a compromise too far. Good luck with the twat. I’m done.”