How to be an absolute prick on a plane

DO you want to act like an absolute arsehole while crammed into a metal tube with 200 other people who can’t escape you? Here’s how.

Bring a baby

Would you normally place your baby in a pressurised container that gave them earache and travel sickness for five hours? No. So don’t do it just because you fancy a cheap mini-break to Tenerife.

Do anything more affectionate than shake hands

Public displays of affection are always disgusting, but in most cases other people can walk away from you. Not so in a plane, so don’t force the person in the next seat to listen to you licking someone else’s teeth from a mere 20 centimetres away.

Recline your seat

Just because your seat can recline doesn’t mean it has to. There’s a special place in Hell for selfish fuckwits who pinion the person behind them in their seat the moment you take off and stay like that for the whole flight.

Fart or produce other unpleasant smells

If you spent the last night of your holiday drinking a cocktail of sangria and ouzo, there is probably a rancid smell coming from most of your orifices. Hold it in, you bastards, even if your insides explode from the altitude.

Get shitfaced and have a fight

Being 30,000 feet up in the air is terrifying enough without adding pissed-up fisticuffs worthy of a shit regional nightclub. And you can’t just throw someone out of a plane, sadly.