Wednesday, 12th May 2021

45-year-old man pretending not to understand modern things

A MIDDLE-AGED man is, for reasons best known to himself, pretending not to be familiar with much of the modern world. 

Tom Logan, aged 45, has recently claimed to be bewildered by everything from well-established technology to foods that has been a staple of the British diet for years.

Son Archie, aged 19, said: “The other day I bought gig tickets on my phone. Dad acted like I’d activated my teleportation bracelets for a weekend break on Mars.

“He’ll say ‘Too complicated for me, I’ll stick with driving to the shops’ when I order off Ocado, and if I make a Thai curry he’ll stare at it as if I’m stirring a pot of magic stew that will give him the powers of a genie.

“We were the first family in the street to have a DVD player, but now he’s cosplaying as some traditional English chap bamboozled by being thrust into this future world. And it’s fucking me off.”

Tom Logan said: “The modern world is a mystery to me. I can’t begin to understand internet streaming, Uber, chai lattes and the music of Nicki Minaj.

“So it definitely wasn’t me who was watching YouTube clips of Keeley Hawes wanking on Bodyguard. And you can tell your mum.”