45-year-old man pretending not to understand modern things

A MIDDLE-AGED man is, for reasons best known to himself, pretending not to be familiar with much of the modern world. 

Tom Logan, aged 45, has recently claimed to be bewildered by everything from well-established technology to foods that has been a staple of the British diet for years.

Son Archie, aged 19, said: “The other day I bought gig tickets on my phone. Dad acted like I’d activated my teleportation bracelets for a weekend break on Mars.

“He’ll say ‘Too complicated for me, I’ll stick with driving to the shops’ when I order off Ocado, and if I make a Thai curry he’ll stare at it as if I’m stirring a pot of magic stew that will give him the powers of a genie.

“We were the first family in the street to have a DVD player, but now he’s cosplaying as some traditional English chap bamboozled by being thrust into this future world. And it’s fucking me off.”

Tom Logan said: “The modern world is a mystery to me. I can’t begin to understand internet streaming, Uber, chai lattes and the music of Nicki Minaj.

“So it definitely wasn’t me who was watching YouTube clips of Keeley Hawes wanking on Bodyguard. And you can tell your mum.”

Couple locked in fierce competition to be the most knackered

A COUPLE will stop at nothing to prove to each other that they have had the more exhausting day. 

Tom and Hannah Booker are each trying to outdo the other in slumping, sighing, yawning performatively and pretending to have forgotten what they are saying halfway through.

Tom said: “What a day. What a bloody day. I could fall asleep right now. Up at 6am, nightmare on the train, had to skip lunch to train the new guy, absolutely knackered.”

Hannah replied: “Yeah, by 6am I’d already been awake two hours because I’m so worried, and it’s been relentless. Like not stopped for a second. I am ready to drop.”

Tom answered: “Of course I didn’t doze off until about 2am because I was so stressed about this fucking annual report. And I didn’t get a seat on the train there or back. And I’m worried about Brexit.”

Hannah countered: “Has something been going on with Brexit? Not had chance to look at my phone all day. I’m on my knees over here. I’m so tired I can’t see.”

Following their conversation the couple lay in wait on opposite couches, ready to seize on any action by the other to proclaim that no way would they have the energy to do that.