Which TV shows are you telling to f**k right off?

THERE’S nothing more relaxing than sitting in front of the television telling every smug, supercilious twat on there to go and fuck themselves. But who are you saying it to, and why? 

Fuck off

Standard response to any of the presenters’ cheery statements on any daytime TV show, considered too lightweight for evening use. Examples include ‘Let’s see which team comes out ahead in the auction,’ ‘Fuck off,’ or ‘Dictionary Corner, could they do better than six?’ ‘Fuck off.’

Fuck off he/she is

Employed when watching a reality TV show on which a participant has announced their intention to do something ridiculously ambitious, ie make lobster thermidor on Come Dine With Me, make up with an ex-partner on Made In Chelsea, or project manage their build on Grand Designs.

The entire lot of you can fuck off

Previously used for sport or quiz shows, in these turbulent political times exclusively used when watching the news and discovering that politicians have indulged in yet more bullshit that gets nothing any fucking further on than yesterday.

You fuck off, you fuck off, and you fuck off

If you’re issuing individual invitations to fuck off to several different parties none of whom are in the same room, you’re probably watching Gogglebox. If only your witty rejoinders could be shown on Gogglebox, then watched by the people on Gogglebox.

Fuck all the way off

A demand of this nature is usually issued when the implausible killer is revealed in a supposedly prestige murder drama such as Baptiste, Luther or Line of Duty. Usually followed by ‘Still fuck off’ after 10 minutes of exposition explaining why the killer was in two places at once when it had been established they could not be.

Get to fuck

Late-night riposte to suggestion by continuity announcers that viewers might wish to stay up to see a Hollywood film from the 1990s. And so to bed, ready for another day.

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May told pact with Corbyn could destroy Tories so could she please get on with it

THERESA May has been told that a Brexit deal with Jeremy Corbyn could tear the Conservatives apart and that would be cool.

Voters across the country stressed that if the only thing preventing a soft Brexit were concerns about the Tory Party then those were not really concerns at all.

Jane Thomson, from Stevenage, said: ”So we could get some form of Brexit that doesn’t fuck us up and that most people could just live with, while at the same time marginalising the screeching sociopaths on the right wing of the Conservative Party?

“Why are we still talking about this, when there is work to be done? Let’s get a fucking shift on.”

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, added: “Rees-Mogg and his gang of freaks would form a new party that will no doubt be hugely popular with people who will be dead in about 10 years.