FOR KIDS, birthdays are an exciting occasion of cakes and presents. But once you’re an adult they’re nothing more than a new high number to celebrate in these dull ways:
Like lots of Facebook messages
Your Facebook wall will be cluttered with generic birthday wishes, ranging from ‘happy birthday’ to ‘have a good day!’. Idly scroll through them and click the thumbs up icon to show your lukewarm appreciation, while making a mental note of anyone who did not wish you well. They’re on your blacklist now.
Carefully untape presents
As an adult you’re not allowed to tear open presents with childish enthusiasm. Instead carefully peel off the tape to reveal what you’ve been bought off your Amazon wishlist and fold the paper in an environmentally aware fashion. You could now use it again and save about two quid. Party on.
Go to work
You left it too late to book the time off, meaning you’ll mark the big day by trudging into the office and getting bollocked in front of your teammates for not hitting your KPIs. Then you’ll have to sit through a tuneless rendition of Happy Birthday and pretend to laugh at all the crap jokes your colleagues wrote in your birthday card.
Take stock of your life so far
Birthdays are an annual reminder that you aren’t getting any longer, so use this opportunity to reflect on what you’ve achieved in your years. It won’t take long. Onlookers will assume you’ve paused for a second to suppress a panic attack. For the sake of your sanity, try not to remember what your parents had achieved by your age, including having you.
Go for a meal
The most boring and default of adult birthday celebrations. You’re only doing it because you feel like you have to do something, and your friends will resent you for dragging them out and making them pay for a fancy meal. Watch for nobody ordering starters or desserts to try and get the ordeal over as soon as possible, as you sit there in your paper hat.