How to buy your first house in your 20s, by a twat with rich parents

GETTING on the property ladder as a young millennial is all about managing your budget, saving scrupulously and being given a £85,000 deposit. Here’s my tips: 

Get a job for a little bit

Friends of your wealthy, influential parents will queue up to give you little ‘jobs’ so you can earn ‘money’. It’s hard slogging away three days a week but it means you’re paying your own way symbolically, though you spend all of it and more.

Live at one of your family homes

It was a tough decision, but I sacrificed having my own space to set myself up in the granny flat of our Sevenoaks home. I had my own bedroom, en-suite, kitchen-diner and living room, so it was pretty brutal. But it was worth it for the independence.

No more than four breaks a year

Heartbreaking, right? Saying no to weekends in Florence, mini-breaks in Madrid, that girls’ trip to Dubai. It’s a real challenge to limit yourself. But if you’re serious about home ownership then you have no choice. That fortnight in Cape Town will be all the more special.

Cut your spending

Only three brunches a week, only 15 Ubers a week, and never agree to the fifth gram. It’s all about finding smart solutions.

Tell your parents you’ve done all that and ask for a house

Once you’ve proved to yourself you deserve a house, just ask for one. They’ll recognise your achievement and reward you with a three-bed duplex in Pimlico. I’m so proud of what I’ve achieved, and I want to encourage everyone to never give up and to have rich parents.

Bloke only successful because he works 90-hour weeks like a dickhead

THE millionaire CEO of a software business owes all his success to tirelessly working 90 hours a week like the total dickhead he is.

JOSEPH Turner never gets pissed watching telly, never goes to the cinema, never kicks back or relaxes and has become very wealthy, which is supposedly his reward.

Brother Andy Turner said: “Sure, he’s got millions. But it’s not like he really deserves it.

“How hard can it be when you’re only making that money by working three times more than everyone else? I’d be rich if I earned three times my salary.

“All he’s done is sacrifice his leisure time, never take a day off, think about work every waking moment and focus all his energy on it for 20 years. To my mind that’s cheating.

“Who does he think he is? Up at five in the morning for meditation before going on a one-hour walk like he’s the founder of f**king Twitter.

“I could also work hard to become rich and powerful, but I don’t because I’m not an insufferable arsehole.”