How to celebrate milestone birthdays in lockdown

REACHING a key birthday like 18, 30 or 50 under national lockdown? Here’s how to do your best to celebrate. 


Everybody forgets how awful their 18th was. To recreate a traditional 18th, get dressed up in an outfit you’ll shudder to remember, drink until the room is spinning, watch your crush and your best friend get off with each other and cry yourself to sleep. Only this time, all on Zoom. 


This one’s tough, because 21sts can actually be enjoyable. Do your best to simulate going clubbing by playing a late-night Radio 1 show at ear-splitting volume, getting a younger brother to flick lights on and off, ignoring all your mates on Zoom for a bunch of strangers on a different laptop, and hire a skip to wake up in.


A milestone that’s mainly about comparing your life achievements unfavourably with your peers is easy to celebrate. Get friends to videocall throughout the evening listing things they’ve done which you haven’t, from threesomes to getting a great job, while you neck Scotch and mutter ‘Yeah still plenty of time’. 


Everyone’s 40th birthday is a vain attempt to have a good time while besieged by children, so easy to arrange. Lock yourself in the smallest room in your house with all your kids and attempt to drink your way through it while smiling at friends doing the same. By 9pm you’ll all snap, send them to bed and gratefully fall asleep yourself. 


An opportunity to see old friends and relatives you’ve not seen for ages, be shocked at how fat they are and possibly compare new medical conditions you’ve all been diagnosed with. Go on FaceTime and take turns listing things you like that you’re not allowed to have now.

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From celebrity chef to host of a shit game show: Gordon Ramsay in his own words

WITH lockdown keeping his restaurants shut, Gordon Ramsay has resorted to hosting a contrived BBC game show. Here he shares his views on it. (May contain swearing.) 

So, Gordon, a brand new show with Gordon Ramsay’s Bank Balance. You must be very excited.

You’re f**king joking aren’t you? Do you really think I’d be subjecting myself to this f**king bollocks if I didn’t have to? Even the title’s a pisstake – if my bank balance had any revenue coming in I wouldn’t be doing this bunch of arse.

So how does the show work?

F**ked if I know. Some bollocks about stacking blocks on some poxy balancing board. I don’t pay much f**king attention to be honest.

Sure, but we’re guessing you get to meet some interesting and fun contestants?

Don’t talk crap. The only thing more f**king stupid than the contestants is the piss-easy f**king questions they keep getting wrong. I can’t even take the piss out of their answers either without getting bollocked. Last week I called Falkirk a shithole when I’ve never actually been there. What’s wrong with that?

Are there plans for a second series?

Are there bollocks. As soon as lockdown’s over I’ll be back to charging rich, thick diners hugely over-inflated prices just because my f**ing name is over the door.

Gordon, thank you for your time.

F**k off.