Sturgeon, Markle and the other most evil figures of British history: A Daily Mail guide

IT’S hard to believe, but even Great Britain has produced some bad characters. Here the Daily Mail explains which ones are the very worst.

King John

Described as a man of ‘superhuman wickedness’ and said to be a bully and a gloater, King John was a rotter. However his worst crime was to lose his father’s conquered empire and therefore couldn’t lord it over foreigners anymore, which makes him a very bad man indeed in our eyes.

Gary Lineker

If he’d just stuck to football, Gary would be a great bloke. But oh no, he had to shoot his mouth off about Brexit and show sympathy for migrants. Incredibly evil, as you can tell from our obsessive coverage of him which would be more appropriate for OJ Simpson or Dr Crippen.

Edward VIII

Another Royal, and a Nazi sympathiser at that, but that’s not where we take issue, as we were quite keen on the Blackshirts at the time. We’re upset with Edward because he deserted our great country to run off with an American floozy before the internet had been invented so we couldn’t print a zillion pictures of her ‘sideboob’.

Nicola Sturgeon

She’s not only a powerful woman, but also a liar, which we know is a fact because a man said so. And she doesn’t tell the nice, acceptable kind of lies that people like Matt Hancock tell. Sturgeon’s lies are Scottish, which means they are both scary and contemptible at the same time.

Meghan Markle

At no other time in our history has the United Kingdom been forced to reckon with such a terrible monster. We never saw King John being interviewed by Oprah or sharing his inspirational stories on a podcast. What have we done to deserve her wrath, aside from being a nasty toxic hate rag?

 

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Get a room, BBC and Rishi Sunak told

THE BBC has been urged to be more discreet about its ongoing infatuation with chancellor Rishi Sunak.

Over the last year, incidents including mocking up Sunak in a Superman costume have clearly indicated the corporation has the hots for Rishi and wants him to be their boyfriend.

A BBC spokesperson said: “Yes, we know we’re supposed to be neutral but how can you with a dishy dreamboat like Rishi?

“We want to settle down in the Cotswolds with him and have his babies. We’re not being metaphorical – everyone in the news department wants him to come in and literally shag us one by one.

“It’s not just the way he rose from humble origins as a hedge fund manager involved in amazing tax schemes to one of the top posts in government. It’s the way he’s so generous, giving us all this money. I expect he pays for it himself.

“Booking a hotel room is a great idea. It’s going to be pretty crowded but we’re all prepared to try anything.”

BBC viewer Donna Sheridan said: “Didn’t Eat Out to Help Out significantly increase the death toll? And didn’t his delay in extending furlough cause loads of job losses? 

“Maybe they’ll address those issues in tonight’s BBC News at Ten report ‘Just look at his lovely eyes’.”