Thursday, 15th April 2021

Six incredibly stupid things you believed in the 1980s

AS a pre-internet child in the 1980s it was easy to believe any rubbish your friends – or your dad – told you. Here are some nonsensical things you firmly believed in.

A giant pike

Approximately 12 feet in length, this lived in a local lake or river. There was no evidence for its existence, so it was clearly a wily creature, and definitely not the result of a Tomorrow’s World episode featuring a mechanical pike built for a crap British Jaws rip-off.     

You can use a balloon as a condom

The source of this ‘fact’ was usually a school friend who was excited to have some sex knowledge, even if it was total bollocks. Not something you’d believe if you’d actually had sex, and this is probably just as well because you were 11.

Satanic worship in unlikely places 

A disused railway hut or similar was host to regular diabolical meetings of Satan worshippers. Or maybe it was just a disused hut. The local Satanists of the 1980s were not much good at it, as there are no accounts of Satan striding into a Wimpy in Nantwich for a sausage ‘bender burger’.

Implausible sexual exploits

The cool kid in your year – the one with the Lacoste tracksuit – fingered five girls at a wild party. Or did this not happen at all and it was a typical shite teenage party with parents upstairs strictly monitoring the weak shandy consumption? Let your adult brain decide.

Computer games had cool hidden extras

For example: if you spent even more time hammering away obsessively at Elite, it would unlock a secret spaceship. This never happened, in the same way that car manufacturers don’t waste time and money hiding a secret jetpack under the back seat.

Ludicrous rumours about teachers

Did Mr Rowntree only go into teaching maths because he was too violent for the Parachute Regiment? Did Miss Roberts used to do pornos because she was fit? The 1980s world of things that didn’t happen was an exciting time.