Monday, 19th April 2021

How to redecorate on a budget, by Carrie Symonds

WANT to spruce up the drab shoebox you sleep and shit in, but low on funds? Let prime ministerial consort Carrie Symonds explains how: 

Fundraise imaginatively

There’s nothing worse than being trapped in some stuffy old Grade I-listed Georgian mansion that doesn’t reflect who you are as a person without the funds to fix it. But instead of despairing, why not set up a dodgy charity to bankroll your project, paying for donations with political favours? Think of it as levelling up.

Win round your household

You’re the interior designer of the family, but it’s still important to get buy-in from the man in your life. Gently explain how happy it will make you to rip out the fine dining room designed by Sir John Soane in 1826 and replace it with a wet room and sauna, so he’s ready to explain it when it leaks to the press.

Be careful with money

It’s been a tough couple of years for everybody, and your partner may be on less than he’s used to for far more work. So be sparing with his salary and be innovative with public cash instead. Maybe try to track down another World War Two veteran who could raise money for something the government should really be funding itself.

Don’t stint

Insisting on expensive designer wallpaper with 24-carat gold leaf might sound counterintuitive if you’re looking to keep costs down, but think of it as an investment. There’s a good chance it could stay up for eight years no matter what Rishi and Gove think. You deserve it.

Rearrange the furniture

Sometimes just moving old furniture around can create a much more welcoming environment. Try moving chairs against walls to create more space, removing fussy pelmets, firing Dominic Cummings and all his smart-arse mates, or being creative with antimacassars.