How to chat up birds: dating advice from a scaffolder

OI! MATE! Yeah you, across the street. Having trouble meeting birds? Sad bastard. Here’s how to tell her you’re emotionally available by shouting from three storeys up: 

Don’t be afraid to make the first approach

It don’t matter if she’s walking the dog, out for a jog, or working as an inspector of public works: women want men to chat them up. They’re flattered. If a woman is alone in public, it’s basically a come-on and it’ll make her day if you get her attention with a wolf-whistle and follow up with a few hip thrusts.

Show you’re body positive

Celebrate the female form in all its beauty by yelling to the neighbourhood about how much you like a passing woman’s arse. Support the movement to free the nipple by yelling for her to get her tits out. If she seems confused by this, remind her she loves it.

Express your concern for her mental health

If you see a bird looking right miserable, tell her to smile. Modern women suffer great stress and anxiety because of the bloody patriarchy and this is a sure-fire way to boost her mood. It’s a public service, son – even if she doesn’t climb the ladder for a shag there and then, you’ve cheered her up for the next man.

Make eye contact

Remember, any eye contact with a woman means she fancies you. Even if she catches your eye and then immediately looks away swearing under her breath, this just means she’s so turned on, she can’t bear to look at you for more than a second in case she comes.

Open with a joke

Scaffolders spend all day with big tools, hard wood and showing how well they can screw. It would take a heart of stone not not to make crude sexual innuendos. In case she doesn’t get it, because subtle humour can be lost yelling over 100yds and two lanes of traffic, grab your crotch while asking how she’d like to ride your steel pole.

Show you know how to have fun

Demonstrate that you’re not all work by offering her a spliff and a snort of coke off your van key, if she should happen to catch you on break. Sends out that ‘work hard play hard’ vibe. Ask where she lives so you can bring the booze and gear round later.

Learn to cope with rejection

If some slag gives you the brush off just for passing the time of day, don’t worry about it. There’ll be another fit bird coming along any second, gagging to hear a crude remark about her genitals. Trust me. I’m a scaffolder.

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Man eating lunch at desk to show off

A COLLEAGUE is eating lunch at his desk for the sole purpose of making everyone he works with look bad, he has confirmed. 

Tom Booker, aged 38, has barely paused toiling to consume a packed lunch of sandwiches and crisps while all around him shiftless, lazy colleagues dally in the canteen and their employer foots the bill.

Booker said: “You need to go to a special place to order a special meal just to get through your day? What are you, French?

“I’m a non-stop guy who’s so busy and important he can’t leave his desk even for five minutes, or that’s how it looks. What nobody realises is it’s a highly calculated power play.

“One glimpse of me, crumbs spilling into my keyboard, and their downtime is ruined. They look like slackers. When I ask them to finish jobs for me they have no choice, pawns in my great game of lunchtime chess.

“Unbeknownst to them I’m making no progress whatsoever doing this. I’ve got one hand free which I use to click on emails while waving a sandwich around in the other. It’s pure psychological warfare.”

Co-worker Carolyn Ryan said: “Poor Tom, eating alone at his desk. He must have realised how much we hate him.”