CAR iced up? No de-icer or scraper? Follow my advice and you’ll be back at the wheel in moments, using nothing but your own tool.
Check the weather a couple of hours before setting off by getting up in the middle of the night for a slash. Younger motorists may need to set an alarm. If it’s icy, forego the loo and instead drink a few pints of water as you would for a hangover. Drinking eight cans the evening before also helps.
Wear loose but accessible clothing, like pyjamas or a business suit. Despite the cold gloves should not be worn as they will get pissy. Wellingtons are recommended, and Hunter is the brand with the Royal seal of approval.
Your jet of piping hot urine will never be more powerful than when you break the seal, so direct it to high and distant areas of the vehicle. The top of the windscreen should receive a real dousing. Owners of SUVs may wish to stand on a dining chair.
With no dedicated heaters, side windows can be the toughest to de-ice. Race around your car with your knob out wazzing wildly, in a version of the circle-strafe technique popularised by video game Doom. Don’t forget to train closing dribbles on the wing mirrors.
Hose her down
To avoid discolouration or odour, connect a hose to a hot tap and wash your vehicle down with warm water after finishing urinating and replacing your penis in clothing. Pay particular attention to those areas you pissed on.
If a woman
If you are a woman you cannot do this. Goes to show you need a man about the place, doesn’t it?