How to de-ice your car using nothing but your own urine, by a man

CAR iced up? No de-icer or scraper? Follow my advice and you’ll be back at the wheel in moments, using nothing but your own tool.

Fuel up

Check the weather a couple of hours before setting off by getting up in the middle of the night for a slash. Younger motorists may need to set an alarm. If it’s icy, forego the loo and instead drink a few pints of water as you would for a hangover. Drinking eight cans the evening before also helps.

Suit up

Wear loose but accessible clothing, like pyjamas or a business suit. Despite the cold gloves should not be worn as they will get pissy. Wellingtons are recommended, and Hunter is the brand with the Royal seal of approval.

Begin strongly

Your jet of piping hot urine will never be more powerful than when you break the seal, so direct it to high and distant areas of the vehicle. The top of the windscreen should receive a real dousing. Owners of SUVs may wish to stand on a dining chair.

Race around

With no dedicated heaters, side windows can be the toughest to de-ice. Race around your car with your knob out wazzing wildly, in a version of the circle-strafe technique popularised by video game Doom. Don’t forget to train closing dribbles on the wing mirrors.

Hose her down

To avoid discolouration or odour, connect a hose to a hot tap and wash your vehicle down with warm water after finishing urinating and replacing your penis in clothing. Pay particular attention to those areas you pissed on.

If a woman

If you are a woman you cannot do this. Goes to show you need a man about the place, doesn’t it?

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Paula Vennells to charge exorbitant delivery fee for returning her CBE

FORMER Post Office chief Paula Vennells will charge an eye-watering sum for returning her CBE by post, it has emerged.

After the Post Office wrongfully accused hundreds of postal workers of theft while she was in charge, Vennells has decided to do the right thing and return her CBE at a hefty cost to the public.

She said: “The Post Office has lost shitloads thanks to all this legal action. It’s got to make every penny back somehow.

“Suddenly you’re all keen that I do things by the book, so I’m making sure the CBE is a first-class recorded delivery with tracking to boot. Yes, you’ll need to be in sign for it, yes you will miss it because you’ll be in the shower.

“CBE medals aren’t that big but you’ll be shocked how expensive it is to send. A rip-off, you might say. You can’t blame me though. The Queen gave it to me.

“The postman will either leave it under the safest-looking bin, drop it off with some random neighbour or return it to me. Whichever is most profitable.

“I know it’s a piss-take, but what are you going to do? Absolutely nothing for a few decades until ITV makes a drama about it? You’re pathetic.”