How to fake enjoyment while being shown baby photos

PARENTS think looking at photos of their newborn is a non-stop thrill ride, when in fact you’d rather be getting a root canal. Here’s how to end the ordeal quicker by pretending to enjoy it.

Say something about its face

Just lie about how adorable its crumpled-up expression is. Don’t mention which parent’s eyes or nose it has inherited though – this is like catnip to proud parents and you could be discussing it for another hour.

Think of an action movie

Remember how happy you were the first time you watched Battle Royale or Terminator 2? Channel those memories of actual excitement into your facial features to simulate joy. Don’t say their child looks cooler than the T-1000’s liquid metal effect though or they’ll get suspicious.

Marvel at the image resolution

Camera phones are truly incredible these days, so take a moment to appreciate just how crisp and clear the incredibly boring photos are. Perhaps let out an impressed gasp, shake your head in awe and say ‘wow’. Self-obsessed parents will assume you actually give a hoot about their offspring.

Ask when the next one’s due

This makes it look like you care, although it might create a weird atmosphere by tapping into an argument the parents have had about this thorny issue. You probably shouldn’t create tension in their relationship, but it’s their own fault for getting out the baby photos.

Show them photos of your ‘baby’

Turn the tables by whipping out some images of your new car or boiler, saying ‘This is MY new baby!’. They might take the hint that you’re not enthralled by endless near-identical pictures of their sprog, but there’s a risk that they’re so dull they’ll find them fascinating too.

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Anything to do with computers: Five jobs parents will never understand

MANY modern jobs are bullshit, but your parents are still weirdly incapable of understanding what you do for a living. Here are five jobs they will never get their heads around.

Anything to do with computers

Unless it’s the computer that cracked the Enigma code, your parents won’t understand. You could try to explain the concept of data entry with sock puppets and they still won’t get it. Despite thinking your job is nonsense they’ll expect you to instantly solve their computer problems, like when they washed it with hot, soapy water.   


Back in your parents’ day, men didn’t have emotions and women took out their frustrations by burning the dinner as God intended. Ironically, it’s the effect of this repression that’s keeping your therapist in business, and you secretly hope your folks never discover the benefits of talking about their feelings.

University English lecturer

Dad will remind you that he’s perfectly capable of speaking English without having to give lectures about it to a room full of girls, thank you very much. Mum will pretend to understand while secretly wishing that you taught something more impressive with an ‘ology’ in the title.

Whatever people do in offices

Parents tend to think of white collar jobs as little more than going to meetings and spouting corporate jargon. And while they’re right a lot of the time, they’ll never grasp that you might be doing something economically productive rather than just carrying pieces of paper around for no reason.

YouTube unboxer

Your dad may ask why you haven’t tried to make a fortune with this racket yourself. You’ll try to explain that you’ve got too much integrity to do this flakey non-job, before asking if your old boxed Castle Grayskull is still in their loft.