Thursday, 13th May 2021

We will vaccinate our hamsters before we give spare vaccines to you, Hancock tells EU

THE health secretary has told the EU that British cats, dogs and hamsters will get the vaccine before they consider shipping spares across the channel. 

Matt Hancock responded to the EU’s vaccine shortage by promising that every dose of British vaccine would be used on British soil, no matter how wasteful. 

He said: “We have left the EU. We owe the EU nothing. These vaccines are British and they will be injected into Britons on British soil to fight the British variant of the coronavirus. 

“My countrymen will be having their second dose of the vaccine. They will have a third dose for good measure. If anyone wants a fourth dose, to be broadcast live on the BBC so Europe can see it, they will get one. 

“After that, it is the turn of good British pets. Our dogs first, because a faithful canine companion is worth any six Frenchmen, then our cats, then our budgies, tortoises, goldfish and hamsters. 

“If we still have vaccines left then it will be the turn of the trees. The steadfast English oak, of course, then the beech and the elm. And after the trees, the insects.” 

Emer Cooke, head of the EU Medicines Agency, said: “I explained that without vaccines, the pandemic would continue. He sang ‘Two World Wars and One World Cup’.”