We will vaccinate our hamsters before we give spare vaccines to you, Hancock tells EU

THE health secretary has told the EU that British cats, dogs and hamsters will get the vaccine before they consider shipping spares across the channel. 

Matt Hancock responded to the EU’s vaccine shortage by promising that every dose of British vaccine would be used on British soil, no matter how wasteful. 

He said: “We have left the EU. We owe the EU nothing. These vaccines are British and they will be injected into Britons on British soil to fight the British variant of the coronavirus. 

“My countrymen will be having their second dose of the vaccine. They will have a third dose for good measure. If anyone wants a fourth dose, to be broadcast live on the BBC so Europe can see it, they will get one. 

“After that, it is the turn of good British pets. Our dogs first, because a faithful canine companion is worth any six Frenchmen, then our cats, then our budgies, tortoises, goldfish and hamsters. 

“If we still have vaccines left then it will be the turn of the trees. The steadfast English oak, of course, then the beech and the elm. And after the trees, the insects.” 

Emer Cooke, head of the EU Medicines Agency, said: “I explained that without vaccines, the pandemic would continue. He sang ‘Two World Wars and One World Cup’.” 

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Middle class man revising for conversation with car mechanic

A MIDDLE class man is readying himself to chat with a car mechanic by studying football fixtures and practising casual swearing in the mirror.

With his car’s MOT due in just two months, Julian Cook has begun an intensive training regime in case he has to make small talk with garage employees.

Cook’s wife Emma said: “He’s listening to 18 hours of TalkSport a day and keeps calling me ‘geezer’. I woke up in the middle of the night and he was muttering in his sleep about VAR. He’s really making an effort.

“When I suggested he could use the time better by learning to fix the car himself, he insisted it was more important to ‘build a rapport’.

“Christ, I hope he doesn’t say that when he gets there.”

Cook said: “Whenever we go to Tuscany I like to swot up on the old Italian phrasebook, so it only seems right I brush up on a few lines of blokeish repartee – sorry, I mean, ‘top banter’.

“At the end of the day, I just want my motor done up proper so I don’t get stopped by the Old Bill. The only three points I want to pick up are against the opposition at the next home game, am I right?”