How to get disproportionately angry about a tiny thing going wrong in your house

COPING fine generally? It’s just that the kitchen lightbulb blowing has caused you to clench your fists and scream ‘f**k the world’? Follow this guide: 

Turn up the volume

You can’t be too loud when alerting the rest of the household to the oven door only partially shutting. To make sure even the neighbours know, continue losing your shit for at least ten minutes. You can only feel big by complaining about small things.

Add it to the rest

Make it clear that the latest outrage only has you overreacting because it’s the culmination of a series. Previously to this there was the dishwasher not letting you fit that last plate in, the internet router needing a reset, and that time you stubbed your toe in April. So it’s hardly surprising.

Get other people involved

A problem shared is a problem magnified out of all proportion, so the more the merrier. Hold a house meeting to discuss what to do about the miniscule problem, allowing everyone to bring in their own petty grievances, and before you know it it’s lunchtime. Live alone? FaceTime everyone you know.

Try to fix it yourself and end up breaking it

Once you’re at a peak of blind rage, take direct action. Open whatever it is up, with a screwdriver or a hammer if you’re not a pussy, and see what’s going on. Don’t Google around and for God’s sake don’t read the instruction manual. Once you’ve broken it, cry.

Write the rest of the day off

There’s no way you can work, clean or take all the other broken crap to the tip after what you’ve been through. Resign yourself to a day on the sofa eating toffees, and then absolutely blow your f**king stack when you lose a filling.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Chumbawamba statue back up again

A STATUE of left-wing band Chumbawumba pulled down last week is already back up again, it has emerged. 

The bronze likeness of the agitprop one-hit wonders in the centre of their hometown Burnley was toppled by a cheering crowd last week but has somehow been re-erected.

Resident Ryan Whittaker said: “A lot of residents were angry that Danbert Nobacon, Boff Whalley, Alice Nutter and the ones with normal names had a statue when heroes like Jay Rodriguez, who scored 21 goals in a season when we were in the Championship, didn’t.

“So we – coincidentally a bunch of right-wing skinheads with nowt to do because the pubs are shut – pulled it down and chucked it in the river Brun, to show those lefties in Bristol a lesson.

“But a week later I’m walking through the town and it’s back up again, all of them, poncing around pretending to throw their gold record like a frisbee. It’s disrespectful.

“To be honest it’s not the first time we’ve pushed the f**ker over, but it keeps going back up again. Sometimes I think we’re never going to keep it down.

“Christ, I need a drink. Whiskey, vodka, lager, cider, whatever.”