How to get maximum wanker points from flying business class

FLYING business class means nothing unless people you went to school with a decade ago know about it. Here’s how to broadcast your briefly exalted status: 

Leave the tags on your case

Carefully position the Upper Class tag facing upwards on your bag. Wheel it into the office and leave it next to your desk all day, even if there are lockers. Never mention it. Just watch everyone clock it.

Post it on Facebook

You are currently in the BA first class lounge at Heathrow terminal 5? Then you must check in. Funny how you never feel the urge to share your location from your speed awareness course or the STD clinic.

Spend hours in the lounge

Did you know the Virgin Clubhouse offers massages and showers? I bet they love you getting there five hours early in order to spend the entire day dicking about scoffing free pretzels and leafing through every magazine.

Bang on about your credit card

You accumulate air miles via your credit card? That’s great. But do we need to hear about it every time you pay for anything? And you never mention it costs you £200 a year and the APR is 197 per cent.

Take the whole family

To really out-wanker other flyers, upgrade your whole family. Nothing says ‘I’ve got air miles to burn’ like a casual Instagram photo of a tiny toddler perched in a vast flat-bed leather seat.

Ignore any downsides

Emirates gave you a special card for flying so much with them? It means you can skip the queue? You still had to cumulatively spend days of your life in Dubai airport, a vapid mall in the middle of a desert, from which your soul can never recover. Oh, and your carbon emissions have killed 40 giant pandas.

Complain incessantly if you ever have to fly economy

If life ever goes badly wrong and you find yourself turning right instead of left, make this clear by asking ‘When do you come round with the champagne?’ ‘I haven’t been given my pyjamas?’ and ‘What do you mean, £12 for a microwaved bacon roll and mini Pringles?’ Affect not to notice everyone smirking under their non-cashmere flight blankets.

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I had not previously heard about World War Two, Abbott admits

DIANE Abbott has admitted that the events colloquially known as the Second World War were entirely new to her. 

The member for Hackney North and Stoke Newington, who lost the Labour whip after a letter separating racism and mere prejudice, knew something happened between 1939-1945 but as it was mainly of interest to older white men had purposely ignored it.

She continued: “White people killing white people isn’t racism. I scarcely regard it as worthy of notice. It’s just what white people are like.

“But since the adverse reaction to the first draft of my letter – I wish you could see the second draft, it’s magnificent, but I haven’t written it yet – I’ve investigated and I’m shocked.

“It seems Churchill, a well-known genocidal racist, was actually fighting a war against someone who was an even more genocidal racist, which is so far-fetched as to stretch credibility.

“And this white man, let’s call him Hitler, was actually prejudiced toward some of the very peoples mentioned in my letter in quite an extreme way. So my apologies to them but not to the redheads. I was on solid ground with the redheads.”

She added: “One last thing. Why was it called World War Two? To me that implies there was a first.”