NOW London is a hotbed of Labour voters, Cockney rhyming slang’s gone all dagger and cloak. These are the new phrases down the hipster eel shop:
John Sessions – microaggressions
Rolled your eyes at someone? Not ordered food for your vegan colleague? Implied a Chinese friend is good at maths? Come on mate, stop it with all the John Sessions. It’s out of f**king order.
Grammar – means of production
Karl Marx, a proper geezer whose gaff was in Soho but had East End running through him like a stick of Southend rock, was always on about seizing the grammars – from grammatical construction, means of production, alright? – and using them to make capital centralized for a fairer society. Basically sharing out the bees and honey.
Barry Gibb – neolib
So you’re a fan of free trade, privatization and government-promoted competition in the market? You sound like a Barry Gibb, pal. Probably backed the crack whore, which obviously means Iraq war.
Nigel Mansell – cancel
Said the wrong thing on Twitter? Bad luck me old china – you’ve just been Nigelled. Where you say cancelled, we say Nigel Manselled, which means sling your hook and get a job on GB News.
Six-figured – triggered
Six-figured is what you get when some berk’s been giving you John Sessions all day and you’re pat and mick of it. Grass them up and get them Nigelled. Try getting Arts Council funding now, prick.
Sam Fender – transgender
There’s more Sam’s around than there ever were, and for those of us born within the sound of Bow Bells that’s a f**king great thing. The more young people experimenting with their Sam identity, the better.
Natural agility – white fragility
Not happy hearing all this? Making you feel attacked, is it? That’s your natural talking. Stop your whining because there’s nothing we daggers savour more than a cup of Hoegaarden. White beer meaning white tears, mate. They don’t all rhyme.
Danny Dyer – die in a fire
Still giving it with the Johns even though you’ve been solidly Nigelled? Still acting like a Barry and keeping your grip on your grammar? Go and f**king Danny, you mug. Or Dani if you prefer. We’re Sam neutral.
