Your guide to woke Cockney rhyming slang

NOW London is a hotbed of Labour voters, Cockney rhyming slang’s gone all dagger and cloak. These are the new phrases down the hipster eel shop: 

John Sessions – microaggressions

Rolled your eyes at someone? Not ordered food for your vegan colleague? Implied a Chinese friend is good at maths? Come on mate, stop it with all the John Sessions. It’s out of f**king order.

Grammar – means of production

Karl Marx, a proper geezer whose gaff was in Soho but had East End running through him like a stick of Southend rock, was always on about seizing the grammars – from grammatical construction, means of production, alright? – and using them to make capital centralized for a fairer society. Basically sharing out the bees and honey.

Barry Gibb – neolib

So you’re a fan of free trade, privatization and government-promoted competition in the market? You sound like a Barry Gibb, pal. Probably backed the crack whore, which obviously means Iraq war.

Nigel Mansell – cancel

Said the wrong thing on Twitter? Bad luck me old china – you’ve just been Nigelled. Where you say cancelled, we say Nigel Manselled, which means sling your hook and get a job on GB News.

Six-figured – triggered

Six-figured is what you get when some berk’s been giving you John Sessions all day and you’re pat and mick of it. Grass them up and get them Nigelled. Try getting Arts Council funding now, prick.

Sam Fender – transgender

There’s more Sam’s around than there ever were, and for those of us born within the sound of Bow Bells that’s a f**king great thing. The more young people experimenting with their Sam identity, the better.

Natural agility – white fragility 

Not happy hearing all this? Making you feel attacked, is it? That’s your natural talking. Stop your whining because there’s nothing we daggers savour more than a cup of Hoegaarden. White beer meaning white tears, mate. They don’t all rhyme.

Danny Dyer – die in a fire

Still giving it with the Johns even though you’ve been solidly Nigelled? Still acting like a Barry and keeping your grip on your grammar? Go and f**king Danny, you mug. Or Dani if you prefer. We’re Sam neutral.

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Women wear heels to sound like a little trotting horse, study reveals

WOMEN have confirmed they only cram their feet into tall pointy shoes is so they can make a delightful clip-clop sound as they walk.

Ladies agreed that balancing on their toes and a narrow spike for as much as the evening as they can manage is worth it to enter rooms like an adorable miniature pony.

Fashionista Hannah Tomlinson said: “Men have long been mystified by women’s decision to hobble around on little stilts and assumed it was for them. Dead wrong.

“The noise makes women feel purposeful and productive. Why shuffle around silently when instead you can sound like a trotting thoroughbred doing important dressage?

“They just want to feel like the fillys they loved in embarassing books they read as teenagers. Sadly if men want to experience the same effect they have to carry around coconut halves, which would be ridiculous.”

Woman and heel-wearer Francesca Johnson said: “Well, I guess the horse is out of the stable. We lied that heels are pretty and made our legs look nice, but the truth is click-clacking along make us feel like winsome little equines merrily cantering through daisies in a better world where people lovingly brush our hair and feed us sugar.

“Plus, when your shoes make it sound like a snorting 500kg mammal is approaching, men might move out of your f**king way for once.”