Sunday, 27th September 2020

How to get over the injustice of your teenage niece having bigger boobs than you

MET up with family? Your niece – who’s 17 for God’s sake – already developed in ways you never will? Here’s how to curb your boob envy:

Look at the bigger picture

Your niece is young and busty, but think of all the things you have that she doesn’t: crippling doubt about your career path, a mould-ripened cheese addiction, debt. Living proof that you can still live a full, unfulfilled life as a 34B.

Blame the genes

Yes, she inherited the fabulous Davies rack, where you were only gifted the bulbous Wilkinson thighs, but it’s just the luck of the draw and there’s nothing you can do about it apart from resent her. Cleavage sweat must be as irritating as thigh chafing, right?

Remember you are blessed

Rest assured that all the attention you missed out because of your modest chest has made you the fabulously bitter person you are today. Complying to traditional beauty standards doesn’t make your niece better, just more popular, and who needs friends when you have streaming subscriptions?

Avoid being photographed with her

Last time you saw her you offered all kinds of advice. Now you’re running off the moment you and her are within lens range. Brings the bonus of smugness that, unlike your well-endowed niece, you can sprint with zero discomfort. A huge upside if only you enjoyed exercise.

Look to the future

Her great galumphing gifts from heaven will sag one day. Sure, bra technology has really come on and given the amount of cheese you eat you may not be around to see it happen, but rest assured gravity will do its evil work. Just wait 30 years and we’ll see who’s best then.