How to get over the injustice of your teenage niece having bigger boobs than you

MET up with family? Your niece – who’s 17 for God’s sake – already developed in ways you never will? Here’s how to curb your boob envy:

Look at the bigger picture

Your niece is young and busty, but think of all the things you have that she doesn’t: crippling doubt about your career path, a mould-ripened cheese addiction, debt. Living proof that you can still live a full, unfulfilled life as a 34B.

Blame the genes

Yes, she inherited the fabulous Davies rack, where you were only gifted the bulbous Wilkinson thighs, but it’s just the luck of the draw and there’s nothing you can do about it apart from resent her. Cleavage sweat must be as irritating as thigh chafing, right?

Remember you are blessed

Rest assured that all the attention you missed out because of your modest chest has made you the fabulously bitter person you are today. Complying to traditional beauty standards doesn’t make your niece better, just more popular, and who needs friends when you have streaming subscriptions?

Avoid being photographed with her

Last time you saw her you offered all kinds of advice. Now you’re running off the moment you and her are within lens range. Brings the bonus of smugness that, unlike your well-endowed niece, you can sprint with zero discomfort. A huge upside if only you enjoyed exercise.

Look to the future

Her great galumphing gifts from heaven will sag one day. Sure, bra technology has really come on and given the amount of cheese you eat you may not be around to see it happen, but rest assured gravity will do its evil work. Just wait 30 years and we’ll see who’s best then.

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Female scientist gives up trying to tell male colleagues she found a vaccine in May

A FEMALE scientist who discovered a coronavirus vaccine in May has given up trying to tell her male colleagues.

Biochemist Susan Traherne discovered a reliable COVID-19 vaccine in a record-breaking 36 days and has spent the following 88 days attempting to get any of her male colleagues, superiors or even unpaid interns to listen.

She said: “Judging by the frantic scrambling of the rest of the team I thought it would take years to find a vaccine, but by building on the incredible and largely ignored work of Dr Helen Archer in the 1990s, I hit on one in just over a month.

“I was jubilant when I shared the news of my world-saving breakthrough. My boss smiled at me patronisingly and told me to put it in an email, which he hasn’t read.

“When I went to his office to repeat the incredible news, he listened to me for a moment then handed me his mug and said ‘Cheers love, I’m gasping.’

“It’s been months now and still nobody’s interested. Maybe this is their way of telling me I’ve missed something really obvious and I need to go back to the drawing board? Either way, I give up. You win, Covid.”

Lab manager Martin Bishop said: “Incredibly, I’ve discovered a coronavirus vaccine. I went through a junior researcher’s lab fridge and her notes and found a perfect solution she’s idiotically overlooked.

“I’ll win the Nobel Prize for this. What a hero.”