Five annoying favours you should have said 'F**k, no' to

AGREED to do someone a favour and now deeply regretting it? Here are some little helping hands you’ll hate every minute of:

Getting your parents’ shopping

Never ‘pick up a few things’ for dear old mum and dad. They’ll suddenly all the other stuff they needed besides bread and bacon, and you’ll be trudging round Tesco looking for ‘the special biscuits’ and haemorrhoid cream. Tell them ‘f**k, no.’ Use those exact words.

Professional networking

Sometimes friends will ask if you’ve got any useful contacts in your industry. But as soon as you put them in touch with your friend in marketing they’ll become an unemployable knob who hassles your contact daily. Your reputation will become ‘twat with weird mates’. That’s where kindness gets you.

Looking after a pet

Nobody asks you to care for a high-maintenance pet like a Rottweiler, but a few cute little gerbils for a week can’t be much trouble? Until the little f**kers have killed and cannibalised one of their own gruesomely and you’re disposing of the body parts.

Reading a novel/screenplay

Unless you’re mates with Martin Amis or Joss Whedon, any creative work by a chum is guaranteed to be derivative crap with disturbing dragon sex scenes. Putting off giving feedback indefinitely is impossible, so move to another country and assume a new identity.

Temporarily housing a friend-of-a-friend

Steve’s mate Kenny is visiting but he’s already got another friend on his sofa, so could Kenny stay with you? Sure, why not? Because Kenny’s a sexist, racist shitbag who your friends will assume you agree with. Give a definite ‘f**k, no’ before this twat gets on the train with his sleeping bag.

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Greater Manchester alert level raised from well bad to fookin' 'angin'

A RISE in Covid-19 cases has forced Greater Manchester to raise its alert level from well bad to fookin’ ‘angin’.

A major incident has been declared in the city leaving local authorities with no option but to raise the city’s uniquely phrased alert level to its highest point.

Mayor Andy Burnham said: “It can be difficult to tell Mancunians they face any kind of threat. They tend to square up and offer the f**ker out.

“We’d already moved from level one, not mithered, to level two, do one, because of the crisis. And once the pubs opened, boosting our residents’ natural tendency to think they can take on anything and walk away unscathed, we went all the way to level three, mingin’.

“We have reinforced the messages that if scallies can follow the government’s frankly bobbins guidelines we could be buzzin’ by Christmas and ready to ‘ave it in 2021, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

“Currently the situation in the city is, I regret, fookin’ angin’. Official advice is stay in your gaff and get caned.”

Burnham added: “Anyone south of Stoke-on-Trent is warned to expect severe consequences if they come to the city. That’s not a coronavirus thing. That’s standard.”