How to get the Dominic Cummings look

WANT to get ahead in life? Model yourself on chief Downing Street adviser and style icon Dominic Cummings. Here’s how to nail the look: 

Ask your barber for ‘The Cummings’

The foundation of the political strategist’s look is a hairline that starts well behind the coronal suture. Visit your barber weekly for a forehead tonsure. The style will be as popular as The Rachel’ for power-hungry psychopaths in post-Brexit Britain.

Dress like a teenage stoner

Suits and ties are for civil service drones. Show The Man who’s boss with a rag-tag wardrobe of gilets, stained hoodies, and unironed T-shirts from libertarian conventions. If your sartorial choices are those of a teenage boy playing Age of Empires while smoking draw, you’re on the right track.

Accessorise with stationery

Dom has made the bulldog clip his own by inexplicably fastening them to his shirts, but with a bit of imagination you can take this trend further. We suggest clamping an A4 Ryman lever arch file to your nipples to be at the the cutting edge in misfit supervillain chic.

Appear constantly contemptuous

To really bring out your inner Cummings your face needs to permanently be contorted into a sneer of cold command worthy of Ozymandias. Manifest your disgust by picturing something ghastly like a working democracy.

Lanyard up

Cummings loves a lanyard, so why don’t you? They’re the new Supreme bumbags for Machiavellian powers behind the throne.

Beanie beanie beanie

If you’ve followed our advice then your Mekon-like bonce is probably a little chilly on top. Stay warm when out and about by wearing a beanie that will trap the heat being chucked out by your rampant ego.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man d*ckhead enough to try to solve girlfriend's problem

A MAN has been enough of a d*ckhead to attempt to solve a problem in his girlfriend’s personal life, he has admitted. 

Tom Booker listened carefully to girlfriend Ellie explain how the whole situation with her and Hannah at work is just impossible, then went and tried to come up with a solution like an ars*hole.

He said: “All I said was ‘Can’t you just ask Hannah if she knows about your argument with Jason?’ and I got a mug thrown at me.

“Surely it goes: Problem. Rational solution. Helpful boyfriend. What happened?”

Ellie Shaw, 31, said, “I can’t believe Tom tried to solve my problem. So, not only is he totally unsympathetic, he also thinks I’m an idiot? I mean, I could deal with it tomorrow if I were willing to give that slag the satisfaction.

“The way it goes is: listen to me rant, be 100 per cent on my side, say that everyone else involved is wrong and selfish and offer to make me a tea.”

Ellie will shortly call a female friend for the rest of the evening, while Tom will go and sit in the bedroom on his phone.