Saturday, 4th April 2020

How to get through the half-term holiday with gin, and other tips

NORMAL time is measured in hours and days. But school holidays are measured in gins and cries in the toilet. Here are some half-term tips to keep the little sh*ts at bay.

Start a craft project using all the gin bottles you’re getting through. Maybe make them into candle holders, in the hope that one of the kids sets fire to the house. It would be a relief to offload them to borstal for a bit. 

Teach them a topical new game called ‘Quarantine’. This involves them lying quietly in their rooms for a week while you leave their meals by the door. All the people on the news are doing it, so it must be excellent. 

You’re not ghastly enough to have a trampoline in your garden, but find someone who does. Then arrange to go over for a playdate. Your kids will burn off all their energy and be exhausted husks when you get home – and it’s cost-effective because you get to drink someone else’s gin. Or possibly Lambrini.

Move the internet box to the Wendy House, so the kids can only get a signal there. Then set them up with Deliveroo so they can cater for themselves. They might emerge fairly obese, but it’s worth it for the time off meal prep and your six-year-old pestering you about getting her hair done like Billie Eilish.

Pick something you want to do and pass it off as a ‘learning project’. Fancy lazily rewatching a bunch of Marvel movies? Iron Man definitely teaches them science, and Spider-Man and Ant-Man are really all they need to know about insects. They’ll probably become top entomologists.