How to get through the half-term holiday with gin, and other tips

NORMAL time is measured in hours and days. But school holidays are measured in gins and cries in the toilet. Here are some half-term tips to keep the little sh*ts at bay.

Start a craft project using all the gin bottles you’re getting through. Maybe make them into candle holders, in the hope that one of the kids sets fire to the house. It would be a relief to offload them to borstal for a bit. 

Teach them a topical new game called ‘Quarantine’. This involves them lying quietly in their rooms for a week while you leave their meals by the door. All the people on the news are doing it, so it must be excellent. 

You’re not ghastly enough to have a trampoline in your garden, but find someone who does. Then arrange to go over for a playdate. Your kids will burn off all their energy and be exhausted husks when you get home – and it’s cost-effective because you get to drink someone else’s gin. Or possibly Lambrini.

Move the internet box to the Wendy House, so the kids can only get a signal there. Then set them up with Deliveroo so they can cater for themselves. They might emerge fairly obese, but it’s worth it for the time off meal prep and your six-year-old pestering you about getting her hair done like Billie Eilish.

Pick something you want to do and pass it off as a ‘learning project’. Fancy lazily rewatching a bunch of Marvel movies? Iron Man definitely teaches them science, and Spider-Man and Ant-Man are really all they need to know about insects. They’ll probably become top entomologists.

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Woman taking karaoke seriously ruins evening for 94 people

A WOMAN has ruined a pleasant night out for everyone in a pub by taking the karaoke far too seriously.

Amateur singer Donna Sheridan drained the fun from her local over a three-hour period as she doggedly insisted on showing off her strained warbling to a room full of exhausted drinkers.

Sheridan said: “For some people being bad at karaoke is all part of the fun. But I think if something’s worth doing, it’s worth doing properly.

“As usual I decided to kick off with a husky rendition of ‘Wuthering Heights’. I hit the wrong note a couple of times, but I just started again from the beginning and nailed it on the third go.

“I couldn’t hear any complaints over the sound of my ear-splitting singing so I don’t think anyone minded. Then it was onto karaoke classics like ‘I Will Always Love You’. People definitely want to hear that again.

“It’s a shame none of my mates had time for a go, but times flies when you’re screaming ‘I can’t live, if living is without you’ into the mic.”

Friend Tom Booker said: “You should hear her when she sings ‘Happy Birthday to You’. By which I mean you shouldn’t.”