PORN sites are now requiring proof you’re 18, which means giving out personal details you’d really rather not. Here’s how to hide your panic at having your porn cut off.
Pretend you don’t wank over porn
If friends or colleagues are discussing porn verification, casually say something like: ‘Not my sort of thing, to be honest.’ No one need know you’re actually imagining a nightmare scenario in which you never watch porn again and your penis shrivels and drops off from lack of use.
Look outwardly calm
Breathe slowly and deeply. If your hands are shaking, clasp them behind your back. This will help mask your panic at having to choose between not watching porn and handing over personal information that could ruin your life. Not least facial recognition ID so you can instantly be identified as that guy who’s into plus-size granny bukkake parties.
Hint that porn is unnecessary due to your fulfilling sex life
No one will know about your inner turmoil if you imply you have a great sex life with an imaginary partner. Avoid the humiliation of being caught in a lie by making them somewhat convincing, eg. not blurting out a hastily made-up name like ‘Sabrina Marpenter’.
Tell yourself you don’t need porn
Reassure yourself that you can just think of sexy things to masturbate over. Then realise your imagination has atrophied from years of effortlessly watching breasts, vaginas and cocks in full HD. You could think about previous erotic experiences, but the human brain tends to free-associate, so be prepared for a wank over an ex to be interrupted by a memory of her cat bringing in a horrifically mutilated pigeon.
Be a smug married person
Throw people off the scent by saying something toe-curling like: ‘I gave up the old hand shandies when Emma and I got married!’ You’ll look like an unbearably smug prick, but it reduces the chances of people realising you’re shitting yourself about how to get back on Pornhub.
Experiment with non-porn
As soon as you get a chance – maybe your coffee break – see if you can wank over something that’s sexy but not porn. Scour news websites for Scarlett Johansson in a tight dress at a premiere and so on. If you manage to doggedly rub one out over Daily Mail sidebar pics you can breathe a sigh of relief, and Amanda Holden will have served a purpose for once.
Keep it together
You may be panicking inside, but you must not let it show. Breaking down in the office sobbing ‘HOW AM I GOING TO WANK LIKE A MONKEY OVER RIMMING VIDEOS NOW?’ may reduce the chances of a future workplace romance. Which would, ironically, obviate the need for a constant supply of digital filth.
