THERE are many songs appropriate for lovemaking, but none featuring the word ‘sexy’. These musical cold showers explain why.
Da Ya Think I’m Sexy – Rod Stewart
The first time you play this 70s horror while lovemaking will also be the last. The only male who can not look like a twat while it’s playing is a hen do faux-fireman stripper, so unless you’re ripped and have a pair of flameproof trousers with braces handy, don’t bother. The song’s extremely minimal story is about a man and a woman meeting and going back to his ‘high-rise apartment’ for sex, but these days ‘room in a care home’ for a doze might be more on point.
SexyBack – Justin Timberlake
Unless you’re incredibly sexually confident and part of a really hot couple, don’t try acting out the vibe of this song during your ‘second Tuesday of the month snuggling up with a film’ night. Lyrics like ‘You see these shackles baby, I’m your slave, I’ll let you whip me, if I misbehave’ will just sound ridiculous if the nearest you’ve got to bondage equipment is a fluffy M&S dressing gown belt. Male partners will also have unequivocally promised to ‘bring sexy back’, so woe betide you if you’ve got moobs and are shit in bed.
Sexy Eyes – Dr. Hook
This classic 70s hump ballad comes from the angle of a lonely guy watching, then dancing, with sexy eyes. No other features or the actual woman are mentioned. ‘Sexy eyes, moving ‘cross the floor/ Couldn’t want for more, sexy eyes’ could also unfortunately relate to a serial killer who’s just knocked over a jar of ocular trophies of his victims. Not images conducive to lovemaking, unless you’re the monster in Jeepers Creepers.
She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy – Kenny Chesney
If anything this C&W song is inappropriate because it’s too on the nose. The lyrics paint a picture of romance Mills and Boon might reject as a bit naff. There’s nothing ambiguous or metaphorical about the lyrics – the first word is ‘Plowin’, then the lady in question gets a ride on his tractor, then taken to the barn for ‘one more teeny weenie ride’. Sadly turning up for a date in dungarees driving a tractor like a real farmer is more likely to conjure up thoughts of slurry tanks, Brexit and Tony Martin.
You Sexy Thing – Hot Chocolate
Is this song about shagging or worship? The title suggests shagging, but the lyrics bang on about believing in miracles, an angel of unknown provenance and someone being everything lead singer Errol Brown prayed for. Praying for someone to have sex with you is a bit disrespectful to God, but hey, we’ve all been there. Still a terrible song for sexual intercourse, as you’ll not only find the religious overtones distracting but it also sounds like something a twee loved-up couple say to each other.
I’m Too Sexy – Right Said Fred
The ultimate passion-killer. Not a good idea to play it unless you want your partner laughing hysterically during lovemaking, and you don’t fancy that happening again. I’m Too Sexy is proof that saying the word ‘sexy’ does not make the moment sexually charged. The lines: ‘I’m too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love/ Love’s going to leave me’ is on the money, though. Yes, they are leaving you, because it is inappropriate to play a cheesy comedy song by men who look like gay Grant Mitchells during sex.
