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Excuse me sir, yes you the foreign gentleman. Would you mind awfully triggering a summer of riots?

HELLO there! Yes, you seem to have skin of a shade that would suit our purposes. Could you do us an enormous favour and trigger a summer of riots?

Rioting seems bad? Well ordinarily yes, but only riots that are about the poll tax or unlawful police killings or suchlike. These riots are patriotic and wonderful, so we just need something to set them off.

What? Could be anything, dear boy, could be anything. A murder, a molestation, even just accidentally running into a few people in your car could be enough if it happens on the right estate. This country’s a tinderbox, you see, like we keep telling everyone?

So yes, if you could commit a crime we can sensationalise, that’ll set our lads off. You don’t even have to really commit it! Just be accused of it, arrested and if possible charged, and their limited imaginations, social media and Tommy Robinson will do the rest.

We’d do it ourselves only we need someone of your hue, you see. There’s nothing to gin up the mob about a white man murdering, or sexually assaulting, or running a grooming ring. That’s boring.

No, it doesn’t matter that you’re not an asylum seeker. Or a Muslim. Or that you’re a citizen of the UK as your parents are, running your own business and paying taxes. It’s only your race that matters for our purposes.

Which are? Well, our consortium of political and media interests believes a summer of riots will make Britain more sympathetic to right-wing causes. They’ll see thugs attacking police and attempting mass murder and think ‘I should be on their side.’ Won’t they?

Anyway, not your business, old chap. Now if you could go off and be accused of a vile act we’ll have it on all the front pages tomorrow and riots by teatime. Very good of you.

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'Yeah, we take pretty much anyone': My life as a 19-year-old Reform council leader

PEOPLE often say to me: ‘Shouldn’t you be out with your mates boozing and chasing girls?’ Actually they usually say ‘You’re that Reform twat, aren’t you?’ but you see what I mean.

I’m the first to admit Reform is seen as an old person’s party, but I believe there are lots of young people who’d like to be more bigoted and right-wing but can’t because of woke. That’s a bad thing, by the way.

And if you’re the sort of weird teenager who desperately wants to climb the greasy political pole, Reform is the obvious choice. We’ll let anyone join – ex-BNP members, anti-vax nutters, Lee Anderson. Seriously, you’d have more difficulty getting a Nectar card.

And that’s how I found myself leading an actual council. Luckily it’s piss-easy – a typical working day for me is: whine on about Pride flags; make up some shit about woke teachers and universities; eat a sandwich. To be honest it leaves you more time for wanking and playing Call of Duty than the school summer holidays.

I’ll admit council meetings can be challenging. But if you’re the sort of young person who joins Reform you’re likely to have been bullied at school. Occasional accusations of racism and transphobia are nothing when you’re used to being called ‘wanker’ 100 times a day. Often by the headmaster. 

I’m also pretty sure that being a Reform council leader will impress girls. It’s a well-known fact that women find power to be an aphrodisiac, although the fit waitress in Costa said she wasn’t really up for a relationship just to get a new wheelie bin.

So that’s me, and if there’s one thing I’d like people to understand, it’s that I’m not some stereotypical Reform councillor who collects golliwogs, keeps posting conspiracy crap about ‘white genocide’ on Facebook, and thinks terms like ‘darkies’ are acceptable. That’s our deputy leader, Yvonne.

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