ARE you puzzled by the BBC’s decision to go ahead with airing the next series of MasterChef? Here the broadcaster explains its very sound reasoning.
Half the viewers don’t know and the other half don’t care
Not everyone is transfixed by the news, so the reports of sexual harassment and racist language will have passed many viewers by. Even then, those who know are probably so depressed about current events they’re willing to overlook unsavoury goings-on on a cookery show. So long as they can watch an aspiring chef balls up a moussaka, they’re happy as pigs in shit.
Not showing it would be a waste of your precious money
You lot have been whining about how your licence fee is being spent for decades, so let’s see how much you really mean it. If we shitcanned this series now – which is already recorded and ready to air, remember – we might as well be feeding your money into a shredder. Remind yourselves you actually get a lot of content from the BBC for your money, even if some of it is deeply uncomfortable sexual banter.
We know you contemptible freaks love to hate watch
Admit it. You’re not so moral that you’ll refuse to watch the next series of MasterChef just because two of the presenters are wrong ’uns. If anything it’ll make you want to tune in even more, ghoulishly studying the show to look for telltale signs of their despicable behaviour. There won’t be any, of course, but your cynical views will still count towards the final ratings. Cheers.
There’s a greater good to consider
Let’s not forget the spirit of MasterChef. It’s all about following amateur cooks who were already pretty f**king good on their culinary adventures. Gregg Wallace and John Torode aren’t the stars of the show, even though they fill up the bulk of the runtime with their blowhard opinions. You wouldn’t want to do the contestants out of their fleeting fame even if you’ll instantly forget Calvin who runs a bistro in Tarporley, would you? Didn’t think so.
MasterChef is all we’ve got now
We lost Bake Off. Top Gear has f**ked off to Prime and we ruined Doctor Who with weird woke stuff. MasterChef is all we’ve got left to bring in viewers, because Christ knows endless repeats of Pointless and the latest series of Waterloo Road aren’t pulling them in. Let us air this series and nobody has to be subjected to another Death in Paradise spin-off.
