How to make sure your staycation is as awful as your usual foreign holiday

MILLIONS of Britons will be holidaying in the UK this summer, missing out on the disappointment and inconvenience involved in travelling abroad. Here’s how to recreate it.

Mess with your body clock

Jet lag and general timezone confusion is a key part of any foreign holiday. By randomly changing the time on your phone, or setting off in the car at 3am, you can guarantee yourself some bleary-eyed days shivering around the pool at Butlin’s Minehead.

Get bitten

It isn’t a proper summer holiday until a tiny insect has eaten you alive as you enjoy an evening stroll along a beautiful beach. Thankfully, the UK has mosquito hotspots in its vast array of lakes, lochs and boggy waters, or you could just antagonise an aggressive dog into giving you a nip.

Lose your bankcard

Nothing says foreign holiday like running out of cash in the local currency or not being able to use your bank card at a restaurant. Leave your debit card on a bench and hope someone empties your account so you can spend the week on the phone to the bank.

Get lost

The best arguments happen when Brits are sweating in a hire car as they complete a third loop of the airport exit route. Try Wales for its incomprehensible road signs, and any Cornish fishing village for narrow streets where you are sure to get the car wedged or drive into a harbour.

Have breakfast at an Irish pub

Given how easy this is to do this in resort towns, it should be much simpler in the UK. However, you might need to head to Ireland to guarantee this one, or spend your holiday near a train station in central London.

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Man loses three friends to local outbreak of conspiracy theories

A MIDDLE-AGED man has lost three friends to a localised outbreak of conspiracy theories. 

Martin Bishop, 47, tragically witnessed some of his best mates succumbing in quick succession, despite them having no underlying tendency towards the condition.

Bishop said: “One day our Whatsapp group was all about valuing football players and ranking biscuits, and the next it was Bill Gates, microchips and 5G.

“Those of us who weren’t displaying any symptoms tried to steer the conversation back round to the five-a-side team, but it was too late to save them.

“The last message I saw before leaving the group was about organising a ‘Men Against Masks’ protest for the weekend.

“Apparently it was just the three of them, walking around the town centre with placards saying ‘Question Everything’ and then going to ‘Spoons when it started raining.”

Bishop added that he and others who had been in touch with the trio were now isolating and upping their exposure to science, reason and logic.