JUST got an eye-watering energy bill through your letterbox? Thinking of selling a kidney to pay it off? Get over the trauma and start recovering with these tips.
Meditate in a darkened room
Block out the distressing image of a bill with far too many numbers in it by switching off the lights and doing deep breathing exercises. The inhalations won’t make any difference, but meditating in the dark will help stop the meter ticking over. Try to do this 24/7 for about three months.
Connect with friends
Not because they might offer you a sympathetic ear (they won’t), but because they might have a referral code for another energy company. If you get a handful of these codes and switch multiple times throughout the year, you could save up to £11 if you’re lucky.
Consider going off-grid
Briefly consider joining an Amish community before realising that lighting your house with kerosene lamps would be too dangerous for someone like you. The financial savings wouldn’t compensate for having to wear a straw hat and grow a big beard anyway.
Try to find books entertaining
Books don’t need to be charged or plugged in at the wall, but you do need an attention span of more than two seconds to process the words. This will be really difficult if your brain’s been fried by years of scrolling social media, so start with something simple like Where’s Wally?
Confront your problem
Not by changing your lifestyle or buying energy efficient products, but by taking a rubber mallet to your electricity meter. It’ll be ages before a repair man can inspect the damage, and how can they prove it was you? It’s the perfect crime, apart from electrocuting yourself or having no electricity at all.