How to recover after receiving an energy bill

JUST got an eye-watering energy bill through your letterbox? Thinking of selling a kidney to pay it off? Get over the trauma and start recovering with these tips.

Meditate in a darkened room

Block out the distressing image of a bill with far too many numbers in it by switching off the lights and doing deep breathing exercises. The inhalations won’t make any difference, but meditating in the dark will help stop the meter ticking over. Try to do this 24/7 for about three months.

Connect with friends

Not because they might offer you a sympathetic ear (they won’t), but because they might have a referral code for another energy company. If you get a handful of these codes and switch multiple times throughout the year, you could save up to £11 if you’re lucky.

Consider going off-grid

Briefly consider joining an Amish community before realising that lighting your house with kerosene lamps would be too dangerous for someone like you. The financial savings wouldn’t compensate for having to wear a straw hat and grow a big beard anyway.

Try to find books entertaining

Books don’t need to be charged or plugged in at the wall, but you do need an attention span of more than two seconds to process the words. This will be really difficult if your brain’s been fried by years of scrolling social media, so start with something simple like Where’s Wally?

Confront your problem

Not by changing your lifestyle or buying energy efficient products, but by taking a rubber mallet to your electricity meter. It’ll be ages before a repair man can inspect the damage, and how can they prove it was you? It’s the perfect crime, apart from electrocuting yourself or having no electricity at all.

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The moron's guide to choosing the right comments section

ARE you desperate to share your witless opinions and tired jokes underneath newspaper articles? Here’s how to find the comments section that’s right for you.

Are you incredibly angry?

Want to post venomous comments about migrants, harmless Game of Thrones actresses or just life in general? Go to the snake pit that is the Daily Mail. The comments pop up too quickly to discuss anything properly, but you’ll have vented your fury in a kind of online drive-by shooting.  

Are you quite pretentious?

The Guardian is ideal for you. All of the following are acceptable: overused Orwell quotes; making completely obvious political points; informing an uncaring world that the authentic French saucisson you buy online is well worth the extra cost.

Do you consider yourself hilarious but are not?

Shit puns like ‘Can fishermen blame it on the hand of cod?’ will amuse others like yourself, ie. twats. Once again, the Guardian is fertile ground, but try the Times as well. Anyone who howls with mirth at Quentin Letts probably has a crucial part of their brain missing. 

Are you a stereotypical miserable old git?

If you can’t sleep for worrying about ‘snowflakes’ and woke twerps, head for the BBC News comments. Here you’ll find plenty of likeminded oldies who think it’s perfectly normal to hate all young people because they’ve never stormed a beach or strangled an SS man.  

Do you despise correct spelling and coherent sentences?

Quite a few choices here. The Mail and Sun are good, with endless horrors such as ‘Are country is bong ruined by “pee-cee”!! Churchill would of the war’. But don’t overlook local newspapers, which are full of intriguingly garbled comments, eg. ‘Covids – no word of Markus Rashforth???’

Are you just f**king mental?

Luckily there’s a website for people totally unconnected to reality: The Daily Telegraph. You’ll get upvoted for saying ‘The EU empire is finally destroyed like Carthage!’, although someone may criticise you for being a bleeding heart liberal who has never actually advocated nuking Brussels.