How to recreate the summer holiday you won't be going on in your own home

IS your week in Menorca knocking back cocktails and snoozing on a sun-lounger then spending hungover evenings shivering with sun-stroke cancelled? Do it at home: 

Get dangerously sunburned

It’s not a holiday if you’re not turning a worrying shade of pink and having your skin slough off in chunks. Hard to achieve in the British climate so liberally apply Crisp ‘n Dry before lying down for maximum burn.

Have a holiday romance

A big ask when you can’t go near anyone outside your own household and most people you live with are family or the twat you’re shacked up with. Perhaps develop an unrequited yearning for the postman, and greet him in a swimming costume and shades.

Get munted at a shit club

Recreate a weird hotel club in your living room by playing Europop at a deafening volume, drinking two litres of a local white spirit and losing your jacket. Then run outside and jump naked into a paddling pool before chucking youself out.

Try exotic cuisine

You’ll have to invent the new cuisine using what you have in your kitchen, but you should be able to cobble together unlikely ingredients into a meal that you can take one bite of, call ‘foreign muck’ and then make yourself chips instead.

Drink all day every day

The number one rule of being on holiday is to drink solidly from the moment you wake up at 2pm until you pass out by the pool at 3am, as the Germans arrive. Be sure also to piss off your neighbours by only communicating through a mixture of drunk shouting, a smattering of foreign words and a lot of gesticulation.

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Britain now a nation of snitches

THE UK’s favourite leisure activity is now snitching on other Britons for violating the laws of lockdown in some way. 

Unable to watch football, eat out or go to the cinema, entertainment-hungry citizens are turning to grassing, dobbing in and otherwise f**king over anyone they can pin an infraction on.

Helen Archer said: “I used to do Zumba but now I love calling the police on groups of three or more. It’s a thrill, it’s free and you can do it from your front room.

“I used to be one of those people who said they’d never rat but now I’ve grassed up the neighbours on both sides, the postman, my daughter and I’m thinking about grassing up myself.

“This week’s been a learning curve, but now we can drive I’m heading up to the Peak District to stitch up anyone I see, for a lovely change of scene.”

She added: “Look at that. There’s no way they all live in the same house. Pass me the phone.”

Long-time snitch Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve been squealing to the cops about minor stuff for years. I just hope us original rats get some recognition now everybody’s on the bandwagon.”