Friday, 29th May 2020

How to recreate the summer holiday you won't be going on in your own home

IS your week in Menorca knocking back cocktails and snoozing on a sun-lounger then spending hungover evenings shivering with sun-stroke cancelled? Do it at home: 

Get dangerously sunburned

It’s not a holiday if you’re not turning a worrying shade of pink and having your skin slough off in chunks. Hard to achieve in the British climate so liberally apply Crisp ‘n Dry before lying down for maximum burn.

Have a holiday romance

A big ask when you can’t go near anyone outside your own household and most people you live with are family or the twat you’re shacked up with. Perhaps develop an unrequited yearning for the postman, and greet him in a swimming costume and shades.

Get munted at a shit club

Recreate a weird hotel club in your living room by playing Europop at a deafening volume, drinking two litres of a local white spirit and losing your jacket. Then run outside and jump naked into a paddling pool before chucking youself out.

Try exotic cuisine

You’ll have to invent the new cuisine using what you have in your kitchen, but you should be able to cobble together unlikely ingredients into a meal that you can take one bite of, call ‘foreign muck’ and then make yourself chips instead.

Drink all day every day

The number one rule of being on holiday is to drink solidly from the moment you wake up at 2pm until you pass out by the pool at 3am, as the Germans arrive. Be sure also to piss off your neighbours by only communicating through a mixture of drunk shouting, a smattering of foreign words and a lot of gesticulation.