How to stay safe on public transport, by a Tory who has never been on a bus

HAVE you made such poor life choices that you have to use public transport? Junior minister and multi-millionaire Denys Finch Hatton has some common-sense advice. 

Travel in the first class section of the bus

It may cost a little extra but first class is always that bit less busy, helping you keep your distance from other people. And you’ll be more productive in work after a complimentary coffee, croissant and copy of the Daily Telegraph. Too expensive? There’s always business class.

Politely shun other passengers

‘Thanks but no thanks’ should be your standby should anyone attempt to sit next to you or converse. It may be rude but worry not, you’re not missing any networking opportunities because your fellow passengers are tracksuited simians with nightmarish dentistry.

Walk the last mile of your journey

There really is no excuse for not doing this. Instruct the train driver to drop you off a mile from the station and have a healthy tramp down the tracks taking in the fresh air. If you’re a tad late into work and it is commented upon, simply fire whoever said it.

Use contactless payment

Follow Her Majesty’s example and go cash-free. Let your valet or intern hand the money to the conductor instead. Watch him like a hawk, though. The lower classes are genetically prone to thievery.

Refrain from eating on the tube

Tempting as it may be to visit the dining car of a tube train, it increases the risk of infection. Yes, we all like a spot of Orient Express-style luxury but this is a national emergency, and their lobster may be cooked from frozen, not live.

Buy your own bus

A modern London bus can be picked up for as little as £300,000, and since you’re using it for work written off against tax. You’re now free to travel in complete isolation, or why not invite a few chums and make every journey into Westminster a jolly Cliff Richard adventure?

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Two-mile queue to get pissed on park bench

PEOPLE are queuing for miles for the thrill of getting wasted on a park bench, it has emerged.

The bench, at East Park in Hull, has been declared open for business by the government and now has a two-mile queue of eager locals waiting for their chance to slump on it while getting rat-arsed.

Joe Turner, who has been in line for six hours with three litres of white cider and a bottle of Glens vodka, said: “After seven weeks getting bladdered on my sofa, a piss-up in the park isn’t just what I need. It’s what the nation needs.

“I’ll be on my own on the bench, the next occupant will disinfect it, everyone’s queuing two metres apart, it’s perfectly safe.

“My hour-long slot will be spent swigging cider, shouting at pigeons and staring despairingly at the floor trying to sober up enough for the next swig. It’ll be brilliant but over too soon.

“Problem is I really need a slash now and these fucking wasps are at my beer again.  Stay two metres away from me, you buzzy little bastard!

“Bollocks to this. I’m heading back to the sofa.”