Friday, 29th May 2020

How to stay safe on public transport, by a Tory who has never been on a bus

HAVE you made such poor life choices that you have to use public transport? Junior minister and multi-millionaire Denys Finch Hatton has some common-sense advice. 

Travel in the first class section of the bus

It may cost a little extra but first class is always that bit less busy, helping you keep your distance from other people. And you’ll be more productive in work after a complimentary coffee, croissant and copy of the Daily Telegraph. Too expensive? There’s always business class.

Politely shun other passengers

‘Thanks but no thanks’ should be your standby should anyone attempt to sit next to you or converse. It may be rude but worry not, you’re not missing any networking opportunities because your fellow passengers are tracksuited simians with nightmarish dentistry.

Walk the last mile of your journey

There really is no excuse for not doing this. Instruct the train driver to drop you off a mile from the station and have a healthy tramp down the tracks taking in the fresh air. If you’re a tad late into work and it is commented upon, simply fire whoever said it.

Use contactless payment

Follow Her Majesty’s example and go cash-free. Let your valet or intern hand the money to the conductor instead. Watch him like a hawk, though. The lower classes are genetically prone to thievery.

Refrain from eating on the tube

Tempting as it may be to visit the dining car of a tube train, it increases the risk of infection. Yes, we all like a spot of Orient Express-style luxury but this is a national emergency, and their lobster may be cooked from frozen, not live.

Buy your own bus

A modern London bus can be picked up for as little as £300,000, and since you’re using it for work written off against tax. You’re now free to travel in complete isolation, or why not invite a few chums and make every journey into Westminster a jolly Cliff Richard adventure?