Can my cleaner visit my mum? Matt Hancock answers your hypothetical questions

by Matt Hancock, health secretary

THE relaxation of lockdown has many Britons asking questions just to be argumentative and cause trouble. I’ll grudgingly answer a few here: 

Why is it safe for a cleaner to come to my house but not a relative? 

Cleaners, like anyone doing honest paid work, emit tiny anti-viral ‘grafter’ particles which repel the coronavirus completely. This is why all workplaces are safe except middle-class ones.

What if my cleaner uses public transport? 

While on public transport the cleaner is not working so is technically an idle layabout and vulnerable to the coronavirus. If your cleaner is not willing to walk between jobs, you may dock their pay.

Could I employ a relative as a cleaner? 

Yes, but you’ll have to work them damned hard. If they’re not leaving your house with bloodied knuckles from scrubbing you’re violating lockdown and will be fined.

Can I meet my mum in the morning and my dad in the afternoon? 

As long as both meetings with adults sharing the same household are kept entirely separate, there is no risk. Groups of three or more will attract the coronavirus’s attention in case you are plotting against it.

Why is it safer to meet my mother in a public place full of strangers than her garden? 

As when meeting someone from Tinder, you should meet your mother in public because she may have begun to harbour homicidal urges towards you over the last seven weeks. Her garden may be full of deadly traps like in the Saw series of films.

Can I drive to the Lake District and meet my mum there? 

Yes – and ignore what the Cumbrians say, they’re nothing but farmers – but you must stay on separate peaks. For example if she is on Haystacks, you must remain on Fleetwith Pike.

Are you just making this shit up as you go along? 

Absolutely not. Though that answer might change in the next 24 hours, depending on scientific advice.

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Parents realise son planning to keep living with them after lockdown

THE parents of a 29-year-old man who moved back home for lockdown have realised he has no plans to move out after lockdown. 

Wayne and Theresa Hayes urged their son Liam to leave his flat in London and stay at theirs for the duration in March, but now fear that he is living with them permanently.

Theresa said: “We couldn’t bear to think of him down there in London, in a shared house with frontline workers, so we told him to come home so we’d know he was safe.

“But I came home the other day and he’d had his bedroom redecorated and a TV put on the wall, then he asked if we wanted to ‘go threes in on a breadmaker’.

“I asked how he’s affording his place down there and he mumbled something about ‘short-term rent savings’ and it transpires he’s moved out and put all his stuff in storage. Then he asked when Dad could go and pick it up.

“Does he think parental love is unconditional or something? We don’t want to have sex in the living room so he walks in on us and then has to leave forever. But if we have to, we will.”

Liam Hayes said: “I’m not going to be here forever, I just have to wait until this whole thing blows over and then I’ll be ready to go in two to three years.”