By junior environment minister Nathan Muir
YOU aren’t struggling because of the cost of living crisis, it’s because you occasionally splash out on a tub of Lurpak. Here’s my wildly out-of-touch take on shopping on a budget.
Stick to the value range
You are poor people, which means you must buy the cheapest food available. You know, the mysterious meat products that I wouldn’t even feed to my cat. What do you mean you already stick to the supermarket’s own brand? Stop moaning and buy some foul-smelling hotdogs in a jar that crumble in your mouth.
Never have any treats
If you don’t have a lot of money, get used to the fact that your life can only be a treadmill of disappointment and hardship. You must forego all the nice treaty things in the supermarket, despite the fact that they would make your kids happy. Put that Viennetta back, even if it’s only £1.65. You’re not worth it.
Look harder for bargains
My cleaner tells me if you wait until 9pm before doing your shopping, you might come across some items of food that have magic yellow stickers on, which means they are cheaper than usual. What do you mean, you’re too knackered to shop at that time after a long day at work, or doing two jobs to make ends meet? Pull your socks up, you lazy scum.
Shop somewhere even cheaper
If you’re struggling at Asda it’s nothing to do with rising prices and everything to do with your frivolous, wasteful lifestyle. Try shopping somewhere even cheaper, like Iceland. They don’t do fresh fruit and veg? Oh well, you’ve probably got scurvy anyway. Everyone knows low earners would only ingest a vitamin if it came as a dinosaur shape.
Hunt animals in the car park
If you really can’t afford to buy the food that’s inside the shop, why not trap and kill the wildlife you find outside it? There should be at least several pigeons and a large, meaty seagull. Use your initiative and entrepreneurial spirit, just like us Tories do. You can’t get enough fried chicken so what’s wrong with spicy seagull wings?