How to shop even more cheaply at your scummy budget supermarket, by a Tory minister

By junior environment minister Nathan Muir 

YOU aren’t struggling because of the cost of living crisis, it’s because you occasionally splash out on a tub of Lurpak. Here’s my wildly out-of-touch take on shopping on a budget.

Stick to the value range

You are poor people, which means you must buy the cheapest food available. You know, the mysterious meat products that I wouldn’t even feed to my cat. What do you mean you already stick to the supermarket’s own brand? Stop moaning and buy some foul-smelling hotdogs in a jar that crumble in your mouth. 

Never have any treats

If you don’t have a lot of money, get used to the fact that your life can only be a treadmill of disappointment and hardship. You must forego all the nice treaty things in the supermarket, despite the fact that they would make your kids happy. Put that Viennetta back, even if it’s only £1.65. You’re not worth it.

Look harder for bargains

My cleaner tells me if you wait until 9pm before doing your shopping, you might come across some items of food that have magic yellow stickers on, which means they are cheaper than usual. What do you mean, you’re too knackered to shop at that time after a long day at work, or doing two jobs to make ends meet? Pull your socks up, you lazy scum.

Shop somewhere even cheaper

If you’re struggling at Asda it’s nothing to do with rising prices and everything to do with your frivolous, wasteful lifestyle. Try shopping somewhere even cheaper, like Iceland. They don’t do fresh fruit and veg? Oh well, you’ve probably got scurvy anyway. Everyone knows low earners would only ingest a vitamin if it came as a dinosaur shape.

Hunt animals in the car park

If you really can’t afford to buy the food that’s inside the shop, why not trap and kill the wildlife you find outside it? There should be at least several pigeons and a large, meaty seagull. Use your initiative and entrepreneurial spirit, just like us Tories do. You can’t get enough fried chicken so what’s wrong with spicy seagull wings?

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Drinking at lunchtime: The dream versus the reality

ARE you tempted to have a lunchtime drink like some sort of effortlessly cool continental? Here’s how reality will shit on your dreams of sophistication.

It’ll loosen you up 

A quick pint is just what you need before that boring meeting. Two is even better. After three you’re a go-getting titan of business. When you finally make it back to the office you’ll be a bit confused and stumbling over words, somewhat undermining your claim to be an unappreciated business genius. 

It’ll feel like you’re on holiday

A large glass of wine at midday will recreate your holiday in the south of France. Until your bottle of Wetherspoons rosé arrives tasting like sugared piss. Sadly your continental tipple will just remind you you’re not in a quaint French village, you’re in chilly Croydon, hoping not to get mugged or run over by a tram.

It’ll relax you 

Tequilas over lunch is possibly not the best idea. Just because it’s 2:30pm doesn’t mean you’ll be able to keep your temper under control once the cheap spirits are pulsing through your veins. With a bit of luck you’ll be so out of it you shout abuse at your stapler, not your co-workers. 

It’ll make you a fun person

Everyone’s always telling you to chill out more, so what better way to prove you know how to have a good time than four cans of K cider with your lunchtime tuna sandwich? Strangely, when you do this, people keep staring and muttering ‘drink problem’. They really need to stop sending out these mixed messages. 

It’ll make life more bearable

Plenty of Bombay Sapphires on ice with your pub lunch will help you effortlessly cope with life’s challenges. Or the heightened, alcohol-fuelled emotions will leave you genuinely dreading taking your five-year-old to a birthday party in a soft play centre later. Still, if you puke in the ball pit you can pretend it was the kids.