ARE you worryingly close to the age of 50? Here’s how you’ll suddenly realise you’re really quite old.
Everyone has mysteriously got younger
You could always rely on your boss, famous people and politicians being older than you, the crusty old farts. Not any more. Rishi Sunak is 41, for f**k’s sake, and he’s the sort of square bastard who probably enjoys a ‘wild’ game of Pictionary.
You notice your libido is f**ked
More a problem for men, who will long for the time when they got an awkward, embarrassing erection on the bus at the slightest provocation, eg. a poster of the Cadbury’s Caramel Bunny.
Imminent total physical collapse
You were never exactly as fit as Daley Thompson (who is one of your outdated 1980s cultural references). But now kneeling down to clear out a kitchen cupboard is a punishing workout accompanied by a paranoid fear that you may never get up again.
You suddenly remember all your horribly naive ambitions
Cringe at unrealistic youthful ambitions like becoming the next Steven Spielberg with no film school experience. Then feel even worse as you realise you’ll probably never even get round to piss-easy things like visiting the Isle of Wight.
Homely things have taken over your life by stealth
Your priorities used to be going out on the piss, advancing your career, getting a shag, and maybe clubbing and drugs. These days you get all the gratification you need from changing into your slippers and perusing your burgeoning collection of loose teas.
You realise you’re not even a proper 50-year-old
You haven’t even got the mundane perks of being 50 you once sneered at, like a mortgage, kids and an unnecessarily large car. You’re still renting a flat and your only ‘assets’ are an old Playstation and numerous pairs of too-tight jeans.