How turning 50 will sneak up on you like a bastard

ARE you worryingly close to the age of 50? Here’s how you’ll suddenly realise you’re really quite old.

Everyone has mysteriously got younger

You could always rely on your boss, famous people and politicians being older than you, the crusty old farts. Not any more. Rishi Sunak is 41, for f**k’s sake, and he’s the sort of square bastard who probably enjoys a ‘wild’ game of Pictionary.

You notice your libido is f**ked

More a problem for men, who will long for the time when they got an awkward, embarrassing erection on the bus at the slightest provocation, eg. a poster of the Cadbury’s Caramel Bunny.

Imminent total physical collapse

You were never exactly as fit as Daley Thompson (who is one of your outdated 1980s cultural references). But now kneeling down to clear out a kitchen cupboard is a punishing workout accompanied by a paranoid fear that you may never get up again.

You suddenly remember all your horribly naive ambitions

Cringe at unrealistic youthful ambitions like becoming the next Steven Spielberg with no film school experience. Then feel even worse as you realise you’ll probably never even get round to piss-easy things like visiting the Isle of Wight.

Homely things have taken over your life by stealth 

Your priorities used to be going out on the piss, advancing your career, getting a shag, and maybe clubbing and drugs. These days you get all the gratification you need from changing into your slippers and perusing your burgeoning collection of loose teas.

You realise you’re not even a proper 50-year-old

You haven’t even got the mundane perks of being 50 you once sneered at, like a mortgage, kids and an unnecessarily large car. You’re still renting a flat and your only ‘assets’ are an old Playstation and numerous pairs of too-tight jeans.

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Man bragging about 10lb baby like it was his achievement

A MAN whose partner has just given birth to a whopping 10lb baby is boasting about it like it was a huge personal achievement.

New dad Jordan Gardner has been proudly showing off about the slightly freakish size of his newborn son to his mates as if it’s something he takes all the credit for.

Gardner said: “Honestly, he’s enormous. My sperms must be massive, nuclear-strength leviathans to produce something like this single-handedly. Basically like sharks swimming around in my balls.

“I reckon if there was a full-scale baby fight on the maternity ward he’d batter the crap out of all of them, and have me to thank for it.”

Partner Nikki Hollis said: “While it’s touching that Jordan is so proud of his new son, he’s got f**k all to take credit for as I was the one who grew that massive baby and then squeezed it out of a place that, frankly, was nowhere near big enough.

“Still, given all the patching up that’s gone on down below, Jordan won’t be getting a shag for several months. That’ll put a dent in his undeservedly massive ego.”