High-flying career woman just wants to escape her family

A HIGH-FLYING career woman has only climbed the corporate ladder to escape her tedious husband and whining kids.

Emma Bradford appears to be highly motivated to become a major player within her field but has confirmed that what really inspires her is getting out of the house.

Bradford said: “I arrive early each day and do anything my company wants me to, from unpleasant redundancies to hostile takeovers, so they think I’m a tough-nut ball-breaker rather than someone who can’t be arsed to spend 25 minutes convincing a kid to eat a bowl of Rice Krispies every morning.

“In the past, when I’ve been in some stylishly anonymous hotel bar in Tokyo sipping a martini after a conference, I have wondered if I’d feel happier amongst the clutter and noise of family life.

“And then the pandemic came along and forced me into it and I realised I felt much more satisfied with my domestic set up when I two thousand miles away from it getting tipsy.

“Anyone who thinks savage corporate restructuring is tough has never listened to the Peppa Pig theme tune eleven times in one day.”

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Tesco Metro changes slogan to 'because you can't be f***ed doing a big shop'

TESCO Metro has launched a new slogan reflecting the half-arsed shopping habits of its customers.

The catchphrase, which Tesco Metro’s customer base will not even bother to read, narrowly beat ‘for those who set their sights slightly higher than a corner shop’ to represent the nationwide chain of stores.

A Tesco spokesman said: “This new slogan perfectly represents the fact that our Metro stores are the last resort for disorganised pricks who would rather put up with high prices and a limited range than do a weekly shop like normal people.

“Whether they’re picking up a last-minute microwave dinner or buying a packet of chocolate Hobnobs and counting that as a meal, our customers are the most bone idle f**ks you could ever meet. And our brand that speaks their language.

“We thought about pairing the slogan with a funny gesture such as a shrug, like the way Asda adverts always had someone patting their bum, but why bother? In the case of these people, less is more.”

Tesco Metro shopper Carolyn Ryan said: “It’s good to see my slothful lifestyle finally represented in the media. Now if you excuse me, I need to buy a multipack of Scotch eggs for dinner again.”

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