Subscribe

I paid £4,150 to see the Northern Lights in 2018, and I feel a right twat now

SO the Northern Lights are back. Big f**king deal, you might say. Well, it is for those of us who blew four grand to see the f**kers in Norway seven years ago. 

It was our wedding anniversary and I had big dreams. A week in New York watching the best of Broadway. The Grand Canyon. Seeing Venezuela’s Angel Falls with my own two eyes. But my wife had a better idea.

‘I’ve always wanted to see the Northern Lights,’ she said, and like a dick I agreed. So we paid a frankly staggering sum and headed to Tromsø for two weeks of 22-hour nights.

There was bugger all to do. A pint cost £18 and you couldn’t even buy booze at the weekend. I mean the mountains are impressive, but in that cold? You don’t stay out gazing at them.

Yes, when the clouds cleared and it showed up, the old aurora borealis was pretty impressive. Yes, we held mittens and convinced ourselves it was worth it. Yes, we showed everyone photos and bragged.

But now? When it’s in British skies every other Wednesday? When every prick and his kids can see them just by stepping into the garden? Well I look a proper arsehole, don’t I?

Norway? They’re marketing tours to see them in Wigan now: a pie, a pint and the Northern Lights. Up in Newcastle they’re just a colourful background to a fight in a taxi queue.

They’re common. So for our anniversary next year we’re off to Easter Island to see the mo’ai. Those bastards aren’t marching to in Doncaster any time soon.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Kicking Starmer out is a pleasure reserved for us, electorate tells Streeting

THE voting public has told Wes Streeting to halt his leadership manoeuvres because ousting Starmer is their job and will be their delight. 

Rumours of a Labour leadership plot have forced the electorate to step in and remind the plotters they elected Starmer so they get the satisfaction of giving him the f**king boot, thank you very much.

Martin Bishop of Saltash said: “We never got to watch Boris Johnson realise the country detested him, constituency by constituency. We’re owed this.

“How would Streeting like it if we took his job, whatever it is? Producing weird, sterile toothpaste adverts by the looks of him. Either way he’d be pissed off, so he’ll have to go through all 50 million of us if he wants a go.”

Helen Archer from Blyth said: “I know the next election seems ages away, but if anything the anticipation makes the eventual hammering all the more satisfying. I’ll vote for literally any other party with a smile on my face.

“Plus it’s a Labour government going. We haven’t had one of them since 2010, and the one before that was in 1979. This is a generational opportunity.”

Streeting said: “Relax, like everything else Labour tries to implement this will fail to succeed. All thanks to the shortcomings of the previous administration.”

Next story ›