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Trump's BBC libel suit: how it wouldn't work

TRUMP believes he has ‘an obligation’ to sue the BBC for ‘defrauding’ viewers. Here’s how that libel action cannot possibly work: 

One: Panorama wasn’t on where he’s suing

Trump has threatened suit in Florida. It wasn’t shown in Florida. Legal experts claim that for a ‘TV programme’ to ‘influence viewers’ it has to ‘be shown’ on ‘their televisions’. Trump discounts that as tricky, evasive legalese.

Two: He said the things

It’s an unfair quirk of the courts that actually having committed the acts you’re accused of invalidates lawsuits, and one Trump has fallen foul of before. The two statements, even if separated by 50 minutes of waffle like ‘if you sign your name as Santa Claus, it would go through’ were actually made. Which apparently complicates the issue.

Three: He has a reputation for trying to overthrow an election

For the libel suit to work, Trump would need a reputation as a man who would never, even if he felt a terrible injustice had been done, incite his supporters to storm the Capitol and try to overthrow an election. It is believed that footage exists which may contradict this.

Four: He would be called as a witness

Any libel suit would require Trump himself to swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, then to enter the witness box and speak logically and coherently without veering off into unrelated tangents and spouting obvious falsehoods. His speeches over the last decade suggests this could be an issue.

Five: The requested damages of one billion dollars are completely made-up

Proving the president has suffered one billion dollars in damages when he was re-elected shortly following the lightly edited broadcast of a little-watched programme in a different country would likewise seem fraught with difficulty.

Six: So the BBC should settle for multiple millions

As there is no route to Trump’s libel action being successful and very little chance of it even being followed up in any meaningful way, the BBC should admit culpability and pay Trump $20 million. It’s what he wants and our current policy is to give him that. What, does the BBC think it’s got more integrity than the government and King? For shame.

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The big question: what can the different party leaders do for your tits?

AS former breast-expanding hypnotherapist Zack Polanski’s Greens rise in the polls, we examine what political leaders can do for the size, lift and morale of your knockers: 

Zack Polanski, Green Party – ‘Manifest Cleavage’

This man knows jugs. Like his former clients, he’ll have you close your eyes, breathe deeply and picture your cup size expanding naturally, fuelled by mindfulness, oat milk and carbon neutrality. ‘Your breasts are at one with the Earth,’ he murmurs soothingly. ‘They are rising like sea levels or ethically produced sourdough’.

Keir Starmer, Labour Party – ‘A Serious Plan for Serious Breasts’

Starmer has promised a fully-costed strategy for national uplift and vows growth is at the heart of everything he does. Yet so far his policy on boobs is 45 pages of bureaucracy followed by a slight but noticeable reduction in cup size blamed on mismanagement by the previous administration.

Kemi Badenoch, Conservatives – ‘Hard on Woke, Soft on Support’

You’ll get no soft, cushioned uplift from this tough cookie. She worked hard to get her enviable hooters and so will Britain. Left-wing wokeists have led everyone to believe they’re owed magnificent mammaries from the state. Nonsense. Buckle down and you’ll get the tits you deserve.

Ed Davey, Liberal Democrats – ‘Bounce Back’

The Lib Dems will seek proportional representation for your bazookas, meaning they’ll be sized in a ratio based on your frame and hip size. They’re not interested in helping you get them bigger, though Ed Davey is available to go down a waterslide between a huge pair of inflatable honkers if it will get him on the news.

Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana, Your Party – ‘What About Gaza?’

An ideological split. Zarah believes you shouldn’t even be selfishly thinking about your own nipples bursting forth majestically when this country is divided by inequality and Gaza is under siege. Jeremy agrees in theory but this nation’s greatest decade, the 1970s, was a time of big ones and he’d take us back there.

Nigel Farage, Reform UK – ‘British Boobs Are The Best In The World’ 

Likes any tits so long as they’re British. Or, in the case of his own domestic life, French. A surprisingly inclusive policy, undermined by every rack he praises being American.

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