Sunday, 27th September 2020

'I really like it in here', says man on toilet

A MAN who has been on the loo for the past 40 minutes while his family is downstairs has quietly admitted that this is the best part of his day. 

Father-of-three Julian Cook savours his morning dump as other, childless men might savour a single malt, a Havana cigar or a bottle of Montrachet 2005.

He said: “The moment I lock the door, a sense of warmth and calm rushes over me. I’m safe in my bog sanctuary.

“I’m lord of my domain here, the powerful odour securing my non-negotiable downtime, and for these 40 minutes no one can bother me.

“Sometimes I wonder if I could stay in here forever. Just me and the inanimate bathroom fittings, pondering the big questions of life while browsing shed padlocks online. Bliss.”

Wife Ellen Cook said: “Some people meditate to maintain calm. Julian unwinds by hiding away upstairs until the toilet seat has imprinted onto his arse and his legs have gone numb.

“He’s pulled some weird stunts to get out of spending time with us and this is the least sophisticated, but tough to dispute. And we do appreciate the break from him.”