Men who bring guitars to the park 'worst people ever'

MEN who take their guitars to parks and play them are the worst people in existence, it has been confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that men who think it is acceptable to bring the instrument to spaces where people with ears are present may be evil.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “There’s tough competition to be the worst people ever, what with dictators and murderers and so on, but amateur guitarists in parks came out top.

“We go to parks to relax and to have a nice time, so it takes a special kind of sociopath to subject innocent people to your rancid versions of ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’ and ‘Wonderwall’.

“At least dictators and psychopaths are driven by some terrible ideology or internal evil. Men in parks with guitars have no such excuse for their piss-poor Led Zeppelin covers.

“Further tests need to be done, but I firmly believe they are incapable of human empathy. Or they may just be twats.”

Guitarist Josh Hudson said: “Enjoying the sound of birds tweeting and children playing? Don’t get used to it because I’m about to f**k it up with ‘Shape of You’.”

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Stop being friendly to each other you weird bastards, South orders North

THE South has ordered the North to stop being all weird and friendly and in and out of each other’s houses, supposedly because of coronavirus. 

Health secretary Matt Hancock, whose skin crawls at the thought of people chatting in funny accents over the walls of their back yards, has ordered Mancunians to stop socialising immediately with plans to expand it to the whole region. 

He said: “These people exchange more friendly words with strangers than Hampshire residents do with their own families. It’s not right and it has to stop. 

“So, using Covid as an excuse, I’ve decided they are no longer allowed to wander in and out of each other’s nasty back-to-back hovels. No more popping round to ‘Auntie Hilda’ to see if she wants some ‘leftover hotpot’. 

“You can still share the same indoor space when acting as viable economic units, so gyms and offices and hairdressers are open, making a mockery of the whole thing. 

“But the days when you treated strangers, friends and family with anything less than suspicion and fear are over for you freaks. Start being normal. That’s an order.” 

Mancunian Jimmy Bates said: “Come up here mate. My fists want to form a social bubble with your f**king face.”