The Daily Mail guide to covering the Royal Family

WOULD you like to develop a hysterical love/hate relationship with the Royal Family? Here Daily Mail news editor Tom Logan explains how to go about it.

Divide them into good and evil

The Royals are either utterly perfect (the Queen, Kate, Wills) or as evil as Hitler (Meghan and Fergie). Get into this frame of mind by reading tomorrow’s story, ‘LOVELY KATE WEARS PRETTY DRESS WHILE ATTENTION-SEEKER MEGHAN SETS UP CHARITY, THE COW’.

Develop a love of mawkishness

At the Mail we like to turn up the tweeness to 11, for example, ‘ICKLE GEORGE IS A BIG BOY NOW IN HIS GROWN-UP LONG TROUSERS’. We feel that if a headline makes you want to instantly vomit up your breakfast, we’ve hit the right note.

Sound like a bitter ex-partner

Whenever you talk about Royals you don’t like – or in our case, publish articles in a national newspaper – sound like an obsessive bloke who follows his ex on Facebook and won’t stop telling people “You won’t believe what the bitch is up to now!”. This is perfectly normal and not at all worrying or stalkerish. 

Be prepared to waste a massive chunk of your life

I certainly have, with scoops like ‘WHAT PRINCESS ANNE SAID TO STIRLING MOSS IN 1973’. You too should be fascinated by inconsequential royal trivia, such as whether Prince Andrew’s Muppet-eyed daughters rent expensive properties in London, much as you’d expect them to.

Be prepared to turn on them at any point 

Our fawning – some would say nauseating – coverage of Kate is working out just fine at the moment. But if people get bored we’ll have to have a rethink, which is why we already have a story on file entitled ‘POSH, FULL OF HERSELF AND THIN AS A RAKE: WHY KATE IS A SNOOTY SLAG’.

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The posh shopper's guide to buying food on the cheap

STRUGGLING to feed your family in these difficult times? Luckily consumer expert and posh shopper Susan Traherne is here to help with some detached-from-reality tips.

Use the reduced section in the supermarket

This bargain tuck is great value, so buy lots and have a nutritious family meal consisting of a bowl of broken Nice biscuits each. Discount milk is also a great source of cheap cheese if you leave it out in the sun for a bit, I imagine.

Just eat potatoes

My research tells me that fresh potatoes are always more affordable than frozen chips. All you have to do is buy some seasoning and fancy oils to give them some flavour, then spend hours scrubbing off the soil, peeling and chopping them. You’ve got time to spare, right?

Budget, budget, budget

People like me love to condescendingly tell you to budget as if that generates money in itself. Just make sure you don’t spend your carefully rationed pennies on processed rubbish, even if it’s lower in price and easier to prepare. It’s a bit common. (Obviously posh foods like duck liver pate do not count as processed food.)

Reduce your daily meals

One way to cut the cost is to cut the number of meals. Do you really need to have breakfast and lunch every single day? And seeing as Boris wants us all to slim down you’ll be killing two birds with one stone.

Experiment with ‘food alternatives’

Have you tried eating clothes or Amazon boxes? There’s little scientific research on their nutritional value, but it’s worth a shot. We’re living through unprecedented times after all, so try poaching your old computer mouse in white wine and garlic.