Sunday, 9th August 2020

Only idiots enjoy very hot weather, say experts

PEOPLE who relish stifling temperatures of 30-plus degrees have smaller brains than those who do not, experts believe. 

In-depth research by the Institute for Studies found that people whose instinct on a hot day is to get in a car and endure a two-hour traffic jam en route to a crowded beach are usually a bit dense.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The rational response to a weather forecast of 34 degrees should be to stay at home and spend the day in a cool bath reading a book about the siege of Stalingrad in the bitter winter of 1942.

“However people who believe that 10 pints of lager will quench their thirst also think that turning yourself into a a human sun-dried tomato on the beach at Bournemouth is a fun thing to do.”

Brubaker is currently trying to establish a link between sunbathing until your skin is red and painful and other stupid ideas like eyebrow piercings, leaving the EU and joining pyramid schemes. 

He added: “Obviously these idiots won’t listen. Nothing will shake their belief that sweating like a pig for six hours with your top off in a crap local park is an unmissable day out.

“And resembling the Red Skull out of Captain America is just a ‘healthy glow’.”