'I should be abroad now' and other complaints nobody gives a f**k about

DO you think people care about your self-indulgent problems at the moment? Here are five common complaints you shouldn’t expect anyone to give a f**k about.

‘I should be abroad now’

How will you cope now you can’t whinge about a delayed flight and an Airbnb that doesn’t live up to your exacting standards? In a year where everyone’s made actual sacrifices, you should just shut up about it forever. People were only pretending to be interested in Lanzarote anyway.

‘I got too much sleep last night’

Even worse if you rub it in with the parents of a toddler who have long since forgotten what uninterrupted sleep feels like. And if you got 10 hours of kip because you were so drunk you slept through your alarm, maybe spare us the predictable details of your hangover too?

‘My clothes don’t fit because I lost so much weight’

Often gasped in fake astonishment while yanking forward the waistline on a baggy pair of trousers. You might get a tiny bit of sympathy if you need to buy new jeans, but don’t count on it because it’s just a convoluted way of saying “Aren’t I slim?”. And possibly “But you are still fat”.

‘I’ve got more money than I know what to do with’

This is a passive-aggressive way of telling people you’re rich and unimaginative. If being flush with cash was so awful you could give some to charity or sponsor an endangered animal to make you look good. You could even just give some money to the person you’re talking to, but you’re not going to do that, are you?

‘My house is too big’

What a terrible burden. In polite society people just say “We need to downsize”. It also suggests you can’t afford your big house anymore, which takes the edge off your humblebragging.

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'Cannibalism is normal and healthy' says Dominic Raab

DOMINIC Raab has reassured Britain that cannibalism is normal, healthy and would actually make us a more vital and entrepreneurial country. 

The foreign secretary dispelled fears of post-Brexit food shortages by saying that the UK had ample meat stocks if the weak, the defenceless and the sluggish of foot were included. 

He said: “We’d be not only the first nation to approve a Covid vaccine, but also the first to lift outdated restrictions on the consumption of human flesh. 

“What a country we’ll be when the poor, the lonely and the economically unviable are not just disposed of but used as an asset to help our strongest and most brutal citizens. 

“Lean, hungry and willing to violate even the most ancient taboos, we’ll be ready to take on the world, then cook them and eat them. It’s a vision of a truly global Britain. 

“God, it’d be good to gnaw on a human femur in the open instead of just behind closed doors in cabinet meetings. Though it is a little distasteful that Priti insists on raw.” 

Raab added: “If you’re capable of meeting other humans without instantly deciding who you’d kill and consume, I pity you. You won’t thrive in the no-deal future that’s to come.”