'I tried my first pumpkin spice latte aged 80. Now I'm wearing Uggs, listening to Taylor Swift and I've got a man bun'

‘WHAT harm can it do?’ I asked myself. ‘It’s just a drink.’ If I knew then what I know now, I would never have taken that first fatal sip. 

Truth is, I’d always been PSL-curious. I’d grown pumpkins on my allotment and it intrigued me to see them flavouring a beverage. I’d secretly fantasised about ordering one while knowing I’d never have the courage.

But when our local greasy spoon was closed for health violations, Albert and I dropped into a Starbucks. Albert had tea because he’s lame. I found myself saying those dreamed-of, forbidden words ‘A pumpkin spice latte please.’

The taste! The thrill of it. ‘This is dope,’ I said, using words I’d never allowed myself to admit I knew.

And now? Now I roll through my retirement village in fresh Uggs when I’m not in my sliders or Crocs. Albert doesn’t like them, but the ‘Gram does. I had 300 likes by the time I was bottomless brunching with my bae Mary from the bowls club.

I’ve been counting the days until the red cups come out, I’m manifesting Taylor tickets and blasting Midnights even though it’s kinda mid, and my bridge club biatches all know I’m a stan.

The man bun? Don’t even talk to me about my man bun. It goes with my drip and my four-eyed cat ink, which I’m building up to a sleeve. I’m pansexual and my partner Ethel’s non-binary. And it’s all thanks to the sweet kiss of PSL.

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Queen back next

THE Queen will be the next high-profile individual to amaze the public by returning to their old job, it has been confirmed.

With Her Majesty’s successor failing to achieve a similar level of public support, the Queen will be resurrected by the Royal Necromancer and be back on the throne by Friday.

Contacted by psychic, she said: “As the ultimate public servant I’m not about to let a little thing like death stop me. Let’s get round two underway.

“My year off has been restful, relaxing and has given me the necessary distance to recognise what’s needed to turn the image of the monarchy around. Little hint? Andrew. Executed. 3pm on Christmas Day. He won’t mind, death’s not so bad.

“We’ll need another coronation, of course, which means another day off for my cheering subjects, and I’ll do skits with James Bond, Paddington, James Corden and Harry Potter. You love that.

“After which it’s back to ribbon cutting, waving from coaches, weekly meetings with prime ministers trying to avoid my glassy scare. Picking up where I left off. Philip’s staying dead, though. Some things are best left in the past.”

The King said: “Only a cynic would think this is a shameless, pathetic move by an institution desperately clinging on to power.”