I turned my hobby into a career and now everyone thinks I'm a twat

By Ellie Shaw, wellness entrepreneur

I HAVE done the thing that everyone dreams of doing and made my passion my job, and am now so fulfilled and happy that no one can f**king stand me.

After quitting the office job I was too extraordinary for, I decided to pursue my true passion: selling wanky lifestyle products to the people I used to work with, through really quite aggressive emails and social media posts.

The greatest part of turning my love of holistic wellness into a career is that people have a newfound respect for me, although some have let their envy show by ignoring me, blocking me or calling me ‘wanker’.

I decided I was ready to leave ‘civilian’ life and become an entrepreneur with a constantly expanding client base of ex-colleagues, former schoolmates and friends of my mum when I realised my love of wellness and scented candles outstripped any sense of pride I might have.

Since business is all about relationships, discovering that everyone now thinks I’m a bit of a bellend for pressuring them to buy aromatherapy creams and stupidly expensive tinctures might be a bit of a problem going forwards.

I’m just hoping that when everyone sees my handmade gratitude card sets and macrame worry dolls they will stop loathing me with such intensity.

If they don’t, I can always start vlogging about my own wellness journey. That’s sure to generate sympathy as I bombard them with links.

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There's nothing good on TV: The five reasons couples actually have sex

AFTER the early, exciting stage of your relationship, sex will become a chore to get done or a Plan B for when other activities fall through. Here’s why you’ll reluctantly do it.

There’s nothing good on TV

Having flicked through the entirety of Netflix without anything catching your eye, and even taking the drastic step of browsing actual television channels, you both realise sex would be a marginally more enjoyable way to spend the evening than watching cat videos on YouTube. Marginally.

Because you’ve pencilled it in

Nothing says the honeymoon period is over like adding a mandatory sex evening to your calendar. There’s no greater romance killer than looking at Tuesday’s to-do list and seeing the phrase ‘have sex’ sandwiched between ‘take the bins out’ and ‘change the cat’s litter tray’.

A friend mentioned their sex life

Perhaps you already had plans for the evening. Maybe you were going to play Fortnite, or try and figure out what the hell Bitcoin actually is. Well, that’s all been ruined because a friend mentioned her great sex life. So now you’ve got to make love because you’ve never really liked Susan.

Make-up sex

One of the rare occasions in any advanced relationship when you’ll have genuinely passionate sex again. Deliberately create tension by ‘forgetting’ birthdays, never loading the dishwasher and arguing about stupid things like whether a lion is heavier than a gorilla. Your lives will be a living hell but the brief sex bits will be normal.

Having a kid

So you’ve decided to end your social lives in a way more permanent than any pandemic ever could? Prepare to have your sex life transformed into something entirely functional and dictated by incredibly un-erotic ovulation charts.

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