IKEA assembly instructions show you exactly where and how to completely lose your shit

FLAT-PACK assembly instructions from IKEA now come with pictures demonstrating how to smash them up in a blind rage.

New booklets from the Swedish retailer demonstrate when to put your fist through a wardrobe door, how to use an Allen key to remove the skin from two knuckles, and conclude with a cartoon man sitting among a pile of broken shelving.

CEO Per Larsson said: “We have listened to our customers’ howls of frustration and despair and thought we’d make the process easier with twee, condescending illustrations.

“At the point at which you’re meant to get the triangular rubber pegs in the metal bit, which is impossible, we show you how to grasp the final shelf and use it to batter the whole flimsy edifice into pieces.

“There’s a list of Swedish swearwords to bellow at the top of your lungs – ‘din jälva idiot’ is my favourite – and it shows the stress points to really hammer on so there’s no hope of repairing it.”

Customer Tom Booker said: “Credit where it’s due, they’ve done a solid job. If all the other instructions were this clear these wouldn’t be necessary.”

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Are you a Last Night of the Proms wanker?

ARE you livid that the Last Night of the Proms won’t sing Land of Hope and Glory? Has an instrumental Rule Britannia driven you into a fervour of vengeful patriotism? Find out: 

What is your favourite genre of music?

A) Indie, guitar pop or mellow dance.
B) Anything about the Royal Navy dominating the high seas and blowing the f**k out of our real enemies, the French, Spanish and Huns.

When you go to a gig, what do you take with you?

A) A band T-shirt, maybe some pills?
B) A wicker hamper containing champagne, pâte and a selection of cheeses, an enormous telescopic flagpole and a 16ft flag.

What do you enjoy most about live music?

A) The spontaneity and energy you just don’t get with studio recordings.
B) Waving a massive Union Jack in a sea of Union Jacks as if you’re at a victory parade for the Napoleonic Wars.

What, in your opinion, makes a classic song?

A) A strong melody and thought-provoking lyrics.
B) A plodding dirge with lyrics about how great Britain is with frequent references to how God definitely approves of colonising Africa.

What is the biggest threat to live music?

A) Coronavirus forcing venues to shut down.
B) Political correctness gone mad so you can’t enjoy a harmless ditty celebrating sinking Bosch dreadnoughts and mowing down Thuggees with a Maxim gun.


Mostly As: You are a hopelessly unpatriotic music lover. At least wear a plastic Union Jack bowler hat next time you’re listening to the Libertines, for God’s sake.

Mostly Bs: You are definitely a Proms wanker. Take your mind off pinkos ruining their majesty by turning up your hi-fi and having a listen to the 633 Squadron theme again.