Sunday, 1st November 2020

IKEA assembly instructions show you exactly where and how to completely lose your shit

FLAT-PACK assembly instructions from IKEA now come with pictures demonstrating how to smash them up in a blind rage.

New booklets from the Swedish retailer demonstrate when to put your fist through a wardrobe door, how to use an Allen key to remove the skin from two knuckles, and conclude with a cartoon man sitting among a pile of broken shelving.

CEO Per Larsson said: “We have listened to our customers’ howls of frustration and despair and thought we’d make the process easier with twee, condescending illustrations.

“At the point at which you’re meant to get the triangular rubber pegs in the metal bit, which is impossible, we show you how to grasp the final shelf and use it to batter the whole flimsy edifice into pieces.

“There’s a list of Swedish swearwords to bellow at the top of your lungs – ‘din jälva idiot’ is my favourite – and it shows the stress points to really hammer on so there’s no hope of repairing it.”

Customer Tom Booker said: “Credit where it’s due, they’ve done a solid job. If all the other instructions were this clear these wouldn’t be necessary.”