Date-night films to ignore while you and your partner look at your phones

TAKING an evening for romance? Unable to focus on a single screen? These romantic films are perfect to half-watch with your equally uninterested partner: 

Casablanca

One of the greatest films of all time isn’t captivating enough to keep you from checking your notifications every thirty seconds. Enjoy looking up when it finishes to realise you’ve missed the whole ‘hill of beans’ speech.

Bridget Jones’s Diary

A film about a hopeless spinster who fails at everything should alleviate the pressure to have a perfect romantic evening and her one-bed central London flat should have you back on Rightmove before ten minutes is up.

The Notebook

A weepy about a couple kept apart by a judgemental society, made all the more poignant when watched by two people kept apart by their inability to stop looking at their phones.

Dirty Dancing

Essentially a soundtrack with some scripted bridging sequences, so if you look up every time there’s a music on you’ll be fine.

Titanic

A 90s blockbuster that broke box office records, but won’t distract you from some rando’s Instagram story. ‘Draw me like one of your French girls’, iceberg, some business with a floating door, yeah yeah.

When Harry Met Sally

A classic so comfortingly predictable that you’ll be able to fill in the gaps. Stick it on, cuddle up and embrace the idea that men and women can never really watch a 96-minute film together.

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Jeremy Corbyn accepts lucrative offer to teach politics at sixth-form

FORMER Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has accepted a five-figure offer to teach Politics A-level at Stoke Newington Sixth Form College. 

Corbyn has eschewed the usual offers of public speaking after his resignation as leader and has instead taken up the part-time role educating 16-18-year-olds.

He said: “I’m immensely popular with young people, as Glastonbury proved, so they’ll be ready to learn.

“We’ll begin with Marx obviously, then a rundown of socialism and why it’s better, then we’ll spend the bulk of our time studying my great moral victory in the 2017 general election.

“Any challenges from the class will be greeted with that petulant withering stare I used to give photographers, and if they don’t pass the exam it’s not my fault. Any questions?”

Headteacher Helen Archer said: “Wait, he’s that Jeremy Corbyn? I just thought he was some down-on-his-luck old leftie grateful to earn enough to keep him in lentils.

“Still, it’s nice he’s found his level.”