Online clothes shopper treating herself to sending everything back

A WOMAN who has spent the weekend shopping for clothes online cannot wait to send every single item straight back again.

Lauren Hewitt of Ealing spent hours trawling through website ordering outfits for a dream version of herself, regardless of whether they would suit or fit her.

She said: “I only went on to get some vest tops. But by the time I’d scrolled through 345 of those and popped 47 in my basket, just to try, I was on a roll.

“I’ve never dared wear a playsuit but this seemed like the moment to let loose and give myself the pleasure of opening one, holding it up against myself, frowning, and returning it.

“I’ve tried all the latest trends, I’ve treated myself to some classic wardrobe staples, I’ve gone bold with colours and played it safe with cool greys. They’re all going back.

“Now I just have to take them to the filthy newsagent which is my nearest DPD drop-off point, leave them on the floor in the back room and obsessively check online banking until the refund comes through.

“There’s nothing better than frittering your days away in no-risk consumerism. Who needs the high street?”

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Dad boasts that he has never heard of well-known celebrity

A MIDDLE-AGED father was thrilled to be able to inform his children that he personally has never heard of a popular young celebrity.

Martin Bishop, aged 45, told his two kids that Camila Cabello was entirely unknown to him, a fact he appeared to be overly proud of.

Daughter Charlotte said: “‘Never heard of her,’ he pronounced, as if that meant he’d won an argument.

“We’ve all not heard of people. It doesn’t make us intellectually superior. But he seemed to believe it puts him on a rarified level of serious thinkers and really he should be on Newsnight.

“He’d claim he’d never heard of Princess Diana if it meant we paid more attention to him. I’ll get back at him by pretending I thought Hitler was the baddie in both world wars.”

Martin said: “These people she’s talking about, I don’t know who the bloody hell they are. Why she bothers me about them I’ll never know.

“But when I try to have a conversation about Morten Gamst Pedersen, who was in midfield for Blackburn most of a decade, I get a blank face. Her ignorance staggers me.”