Thursday, 29th October 2020

The scientific reasons why Covid can't be transmitted in schools, by a Tory

AS A senior Conservative, my knowledge of viral transmission is greater than any mere epidemiologist. Here’s why opening schools is perfectly safe: 

Children never spread viruses

It’s impossible for children to pass on the coronavirus because kids don’t pass on viruses, as all parents know. If you’ve ever found yourself with the shits, flu or nits coincidentally just after your child’s whole class had them, you probably got them from work.

Teachers are immune

Teachers can’t catch Covid-19 because they have such long holidays that their immune systems are always fully recovered and in tip-top condition. They’re the picture of health.

A school’s just like any other workplace

Everywhere else is re-opening, and school’s just like a big office really. An office where 35 people cram into the same not-particularly-large room and sit there in close proximity all day before mixing on the playgrounds at lunch.

Kids love social distancing

If there’s any one group of people that’s assiduous about hand-washing, social distancing and observing all the rules, it’s children. Especially teenagers, who combine knowing they can’t get Covid with not giving a bugger about anyone else in the world. We can trust them.

It’s key to their development

You know what us Tories are like, obsessed with boosting the poor and giving them every opportunity they need. How could we live with ourselves, knowing that the less-advantaged were condemned to miss out in favour of our children? No way could we. That’s our main reason.

Boris has pinned his reputation on it

The prime minister has pinned his reputation, his credibility and his fitness to govern on this schools issue, so there’s no option. If it goes wrong there’s no way he will simply walk off, pretend it was nothing to do with him and continue as before.