The scientific reasons why Covid can't be transmitted in schools, by a Tory

AS A senior Conservative, my knowledge of viral transmission is greater than any mere epidemiologist. Here’s why opening schools is perfectly safe: 

Children never spread viruses

It’s impossible for children to pass on the coronavirus because kids don’t pass on viruses, as all parents know. If you’ve ever found yourself with the shits, flu or nits coincidentally just after your child’s whole class had them, you probably got them from work.

Teachers are immune

Teachers can’t catch Covid-19 because they have such long holidays that their immune systems are always fully recovered and in tip-top condition. They’re the picture of health.

A school’s just like any other workplace

Everywhere else is re-opening, and school’s just like a big office really. An office where 35 people cram into the same not-particularly-large room and sit there in close proximity all day before mixing on the playgrounds at lunch.

Kids love social distancing

If there’s any one group of people that’s assiduous about hand-washing, social distancing and observing all the rules, it’s children. Especially teenagers, who combine knowing they can’t get Covid with not giving a bugger about anyone else in the world. We can trust them.

It’s key to their development

You know what us Tories are like, obsessed with boosting the poor and giving them every opportunity they need. How could we live with ourselves, knowing that the less-advantaged were condemned to miss out in favour of our children? No way could we. That’s our main reason.

Boris has pinned his reputation on it

The prime minister has pinned his reputation, his credibility and his fitness to govern on this schools issue, so there’s no option. If it goes wrong there’s no way he will simply walk off, pretend it was nothing to do with him and continue as before.

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Six great time-consuming games to play with your kids

STRUGGLING to make it through the last week of the summer holidays? These effective time-wasting activities should push you over the finish line: 


The classics never get old. Announce a game of hide-and-seek and remind your kids that the quieter they are and the longer they stay hidden, the more Haribo they’ll win. And then retreat under the stairs with your laptop for the length of three episodes of Ozark.

Simon Scares

When you need peace and quiet, fear is your best friend. Tell your kids that tigers, vampires or evil power rangers are about and prop them up at the window with loo-roll binoculars. You’ll be nice and wrinkly before you’re disturbed from your relaxing bath.

Eye pie

Put a massive banoffe pie on the kitchen table and walk away. The exhaustion of the initial scramble followed by the aftereffects of an unsupervised carb overload should have your children asleep on the kitchen floor in no time.


Find an Amazon box big enough to uncomfortably hold a child, then challenge said child to spend 30 minutes in it. Provide a countdown while you scroll social media on your phone. if you have a box for each child it’s an endurance contest.

Movie night

Don’t just shove a film on. Make a big deal of it and get the kids drawing tickets, posters, signs for doors, commemorative programmes and fire safety notices to build it up into an event. Then stick them in front of Ice Age 3 again, it’s the best one.


A foolproof fallback plan for you’ve really reached your wits’ end: play the kangaroo hop section of a Joe Wicks workout on loop for the kids while you neck Famous Grouse straight from the bottle.