ARE you a twat whose comforting lockdown animal companion is proving an inconvenience now life’s back to normal? Here’s how to get rid:
Take it to be rehomed
A humiliating, reprehensible failure to live up to the promises you made to an innocent, trusting animal – unless you have no shame whatsoever, which appears to be true of many Britons happy to say ‘Yeah you look after it, I got bored.’ Makes you realise that if kind-hearted people ran toddler shelters they’d be oversubscribed too.
Give it to your mum
Parents can be relied on for childcare, so why not pet care? Mum may grow to love a annoying, yappy West Highland White terrier, or indeed a disturbingly large wolf-like creature that claimed to be a Russian hunting dog when you bought it on Gumtree. With luck your dad might not die fighting it off with a hoover.
Set it free in a lay-by
Rewilding is all the rage, so why not rewild your unwanted former best pal by the side of a B-road? Let them explore this thrilling new world of flytipped matresses, territorial foxes, and cars roaring past at 60mph. Warning: not really suitable for goldfish.
Sell it on
You’re not the only wilfully stupid short-term thinker in the world. Snap some alluring pictures of that monitor lizard you bought drunk and no longer want, put them online, charge a decent fee to make it seem like a hot item, and profit.
Wait it out until one of you dies
Pets have a shorter lifespan than humans, so crunch the numbers, shrug your shoulders and resign yourself to caring for a hamster for the next eighteen months, a budgie for the next six years, a dog for 12 years or a cat until it gets bored of you and wanders off. If you got a tortoise, start a family so there’s someone to care for it when you’ve gone.