'I'm fresh from the surf', claims woman wearing DryRobe for school run in Derby

A MUM wearing a DryRobe on the school run has come fresh from a strenuous cold-water swim at the beach, she has implied. 

Nikki Hollis of Derby acted as if her DryRobe was entirely appropriate clothing for dropping her children off at primary school more than 70 miles from the nearest coast.

She said: “So practical after a cold water swim. Yes, of course I’ve done one, why else would I be in a playground wearing a waterproof towelling-lined cape designed for surfers?

“After all, it being a bit overcast wouldn’t excuse an overpriced status symbol like this, not practical in the least for my current activity except you don’t have to wear a bra underneath. So I must have been swimming, mustn’t I?

“Yes, it’s purely for the utility that I’m wearing a £165 changing robe, protecting my modesty for when I plunge into a body of open water somewhere nearby. No need to specify where. If you know, you know.

“How could wearing a highly specialised piece of sports clothing possibly be an attention-seeking fad? This pink-lined camouflage one was clearly designed to blend into the background.

“I definitely don’t just wear it morning, noon and night, like I’m a member of a middle-class religious order. It’s for swimming. So invigorating! I imagine I’ll go for another immediately before 3pm.”

She added: “Why have I driven here in a 4×4? Because I have to come offroad.”

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Man in hotel missing underlying passive-aggressive tone of an Airbnb stay

A MAN staying in a regular hotel is longing for the underlying hostility of booking a night in an Airbnb, it has emerged.

Julian Cook has been left feeling mildly disappointed that staying in a Travelodge does not come with a complimentary barrage of confrontational instructions telling him exactly how to behave during his visit.

He said: “I got a booking confirmation email and that was it. No long messages in capital letters about not throwing drug-fuelled raves or wearing shoes in the bathroom on a Sunday. I even checked my spam folder to make sure.

“And instead of fumbling with an impenetrable lockbox, a woman behind a desk simply handed me my key with a smile. It was bizarre. I’m used to feeling like I’m a burglar and getting dirty looks from the neighbours.

“I was shocked to get into my room only to find a sign detailing fire emergency instructions and the restaurant menu. Where’s the handwritten list of tasks I have to complete before I leave? They always make for fun bedtime reading.

“Sure, this place is clean and pleasant, but I want to feel like I’m pissing someone off by renting the accommodation they’ve voluntarily put online.

Getting a star taken off your guest rating because you didn’t clean out the vegetable drawer? That’s a personal touch hotels can never provide.”